I was recently involved in a memory test as a precursor to a study of older people (yes, there’s always someone studying us!). I failed to remember three items when I had to repeat them back some time later. But I’m not too worried about that failure because, as we all know, memory behaviour is often a bit patchy at all stages of our lives.

My late wife Dorothy, with Alzheimer’s, had an entirely different ability to remember which changed as her disease progressed. More than once, I was astounded when she seemed to have a flash from the past; like the time she laid out all her undies and socks on our unmade bed. Was she preparing to pack them for travel? To launder them? To make sure she had enough? On that occasion, it was easy to help her replace them, as I gently explained we were home again after a (non-existent) trip away.

Our ability to recall or remember is sometimes described as being short or long-term, selective and variable, all at the same time. It’s a complex topic even for a psychologist; our minds and behaviour are all so different and unique. Like most of us, I guess, my memory also responds differently when I am tired, happy, sad, or flustered (and I tire and fluster more easily and frequently these days!).

Now living alone, and when my mind is in that ‘revolving-door’ state of flux, it often means I shouldn’t make hasty decisions. But indecision often leads to procrastination and, for me I guess, a mild sort of depression. To counter that feeling, I need a strategy, and I do have one or two.

No doubt my readers will also have their personal antidote to the ‘blues’. Mine is easy. I go walking and, if that’s not possible, I read, or watch a movie (a TV mystery show can be good therapy), have a snack, plan a meal, or just make a cup of tea, and do a crossword puzzle! Music can work, too as another strategy to dispel my blues.

I use anything that forces my stupid brain to focus on something outside of unpleasant personal reverie and push the unwanted memories aside or, as a psychologist might say, ‘submerge’ them. Much as I would wish them to evaporate permanently, of course they won’t.

Is it better to forget or remember unhappy times? Well, I’m here to tell you that I do both. Trouble is, I get them mixed up sometimes – remember stuff that I should have forgotten and forget things that I should remember! We are complex things, we humans, aren’t we?

Best remedy of all is probably a happy interaction with another person! A chat with a mate, even on the phone can lift my spirits, maybe theirs, too, especially if I let them get a word in!

And if, like me, you also ‘overthink’ the state of your health and your supposed unhappy place in life’s journey, perhaps also swamped with ‘wrong’ memories, then maybe you might like to try my non-scientific remedies. They are all there, in the paragraphs above. At least I think they are…….

How often we’ve heard the expression ”chain of events”. It’s all about events that have happened, or that we anticipate will happen, which are all somehow linked. Sometimes the chain is broken, we lose the plot and don’t see the connections. Or maybe we can’t see how to mend the break, or we just don’t fit it all together again, and become tired or depressed, or both!

Or perhaps something happens which sets off a series of events that we didn’t expect. We are caught unawares and, ‘like a bolt out of the blue’, our lives are deeply affected. Fortunately, that’s not usually a permanent disruption, and we can get back to normality, whatever that is! But sometimes an event, or an action, changes the direction and our way of life forever, from that point forward.

Generally speaking, we Australians usually have a significant degree of control in the way our lives evolve. But unfortunately, poor health can may require significant changes to our way of life. Not only our own health, but someone who is close to us: partners, parents, children, or best friends. Even though you may be in tip-top condition, there is a good chance that your lifestyle could be changed by the health of someone near and dear.

The way we live our lives is frequently and firmly linked to the medical, physical, or emotional health of someone else, whether married or single. The flow effects of that connection can be the same whether it’s an involvement with a child, an adult, or even a more distant relative. Any illness can impinge on relationships, and certainly Alzheimer’s can be particularly challenging because it presents itself in so many different, often quite random ways.

This frequently changing behaviour of a loved one with Alzheimer’s is always challenging and debilitating for everyone involved. Their usual response, to what were previously normal patterns of life, now often change. Increasingly, their unexpected or variable reactions result in a higher level of stress to you, as the carer. Just being ‘on guard’ constantly is tiring and certainly not sustainable for extended periods. And it’s definitely more difficult to cope when we are older and more fixed in our lifestyle.

The message today, if that’s your scenario, is to stop and take stock of the mental and physical health of your own and your partner’s condition. Certainly, I did not, or want to, recognise the beginnings of my Dorothy’s changing behaviour, and maybe you are the same…. So, if you have an inkling of a problem, you could start by scanning through some of the useful internet links on this site to see some of the help that’s available.

But then you simply have to talk, one-on-one, to your GP. These days, doctors are more equipped to help and refer you for guidance. You’ll also need to share your concerns with your family members and perhaps a trusted friend. If you have even an inkling of concern, talk to your doctor. Make a start.

You cannot underestimate the importance and value of the connection between your own health and the person you are caring for. You need to keep fit, and also find ways to have some respite to ‘charge your batteries’!

The quicker you recognise the bigger picture, the sooner you’ll find the way forward for help, and to learn how to live a more balanced and happy life together, inextricably linked….

We all do those things, don’t we! Sometimes it’s simply daydreaming, fantasizing, ‘pie in the sky’, fruitless and futile, and we drift, away with the birds. At least I do, sometimes!

Like it or not, we all do need to plan ahead if we are to avoid that pointless drifting. Personally, my credo of ‘Carpe diem’ ensures that few days slip by without some activity or objective. But all my energy and resolve evaporated a few days ago…. when I woke with a roaring sore throat and a headache. All my possible or potential plans were pushed aside as I spent the rest of day in pyjamas, sucking lozenges and slurping hot lemon drinks with honey and aspirins! I lost a couple of days and nights but have emerged today into a much-improved state and, I’m relieved to discover, I was not COVID affected.

Bouncing back or ‘resilience’ – for me anyway, is conditioned by three pillars: mindset, mobility, and motivation. After any of us feel ‘crook’ it’s frequently not easy to regain our previous level of activity. During those times when our lives are constrained by physical or mental distress, not having a partner is often felt even more acutely. If you recognise that feeling, please be assured, you are not alone! Phone a friend or find someone to talk to; not to whinge, just to talk. To rediscover your worth as a person and to know you need not feel alone, even when you are. We really are all in this, together!

Talking of states, and not related to my health as reported above, I have been back home again after more than two weeks in Sunny Queensland. Yes, sunny and, oh, so much warmer! It was so good to catch up with my son and his family of three married daughters and, best of all, cuddles with four of my five greatgrandchildren. Now back home in Melbourne, at least the days are getting longer, Spring is in the air and flowers are appearing….

If you are feeling down, perhaps you could have a go at creating mini-objectives, like visiting or phoning someone, reading (or listening!) to a book, watching a TV program or a movie, even looking at an object out of the window, or writing down some thoughts; all of those can help us through those mournful moments.

If you can’t get motivated, stop everything, be still and pray; my anti-depressant is prayer. It’s a great way to quietly identify and consider whatever is limiting you and to explore a pathway through it. I’ve found that’s way better than curling up into a ball and expecting to be shown the way forward – without making an effort. Maybe that’s a solution for you, too: plot, plan, and pray. Gets results every time, for me.

It’s not often we see a bargain and, when we do, it’s often for something we don’t need. But once in a while the offer is timely, and we can take advantage of it. Such was a travel opportunity for me when I spotted a holiday – priced for a single person. Most often, travel packages are ‘per person twin share’ and the single traveller cost is only marginally less than double that cost. So, when I saw an attractive trip at a price that was ‘pp single’, I was hooked!

The timing was good, and at a location I had not visited. It is bitterly cold now in Melbourne, yet often sunny, but sometimes drizzling rain, and that holiday ‘deal’ looked especially attractive! I had no other commitments, so the prospect of a week away in a warmer climate sorely tempted me. The all-inclusive price was good: the airfare and transportation, accommodation, all meals, and some extras, like two massages, two glasses of wine or beer daily, and some entertainment. It was such an easy decision to make the booking….

In earlier times, my late wife and I had enjoyed many travel adventures together. My readers will all know that sharing the travel with a loved one doubles the joy, and I had previously decided I wouldn’t do many more solo trips. In my few previous trips, without Dorothy, I have always felt somewhat lonely; it is not easy to be as sociable as I once would have been with my partner of well over sixty years. Lonely or not, decision now made! The next step was to check the internet and confirm the weather at the destination was going to be in my acceptable/tolerable range. Great! So that clinched the deal, and off I go!

After a smooth flight with Fiji Airlines direct from Melbourne, I touched down at Nadi airport and duly met by a man bearing a placard with my name and off we went in a little minibus. About an hour later, after a few other hotel pickups and drop-offs, he dropped us all off at a wharf. There, about six of us boarded a small ‘sea-bus’ and began the hour-long cruise to our destination: Beachcomber Island Resort.

It was a warm, sunny day, the sea was not rough, and on arrival at our island we were greeted by a serenade from a small group of islanders! I was soon established into my own comfortable cabin (called a bure), just few metres from the white sandy beach! Bliss.

The weather over the week, apart from a brief warm shower one evening, was perfect, never more than 28 degrees, with some nights just a light blanket needed. During the week, I walked completely around the island, easily, every morning, in less than hour – although I often I dawdled and splashed in the shallows!

The vast South Pacific Sea stretched all around to the horizon and, on most days, was smooth and surprisingly shallow close to shore where it was a beautiful, transparent, pale green; a few metres offshore it was, of course, very blue, and very deep! A glorious vista, under a paler blue sky, with just a few clouds low on the distant horizon. And, Oh, the sunrises and sunsets – absolutely beautiful, colourful, and serene….

It was a very relaxing and pleasant interlude but, all too soon, the week had gone! As my mother-in-law was wont to say, “It’s back to boiled lollies, now, Bill”. The island resort was certainly not upmarket or flashy-swish; just basic, but good, and clean, and the alfresco buffet meals, outdoor under cover, were simple, plain, and tasty.

If, as you read these notes, you are a carer and can’t so easily get away on a trip like this, believe me, I understand… but I do earnestly suggest that you try to arrange a respite time. There are resources to help you, listed on this site https://eldermost.net/links-to-useful-sites/, but you could also drop me a line and I’ll see if I can help you take some ‘time off’ – it doesn’t have to be on an island!

Decide now to plan a break from your routine. You will come back refreshed and better able to support your partner, to rediscover your relationship and experience a degree of renewal!

‘Keeping an even keel’ means, as sailors know, that to stay afloat a boat needs to be balanced, stable, not overloaded, and definitely upright. A bit like us as we sail on through life, even when our life’s seas are not always smooth.

Some mornings, when the sun has yet to rise and rain is pelting on my bedroom window, I’m happy to drop anchor, so to speak, roll over and await more calm conditions before I set sail on a new day. I think that’s called great staying power!

Most mornings, however, I usually manage to extract myself from that cocoon-state and emerge to become upright; almost ready to explore the day. There’s usually some planned or necessary activity that stirs my stumps and gets me going!

In recent years I have discovered just how quickly our older bodies lose their muscle-tone. Despite raising the anchor and setting sail each day, I often discover there’s not as much ‘wind in my sails’. Breakfast helps; some orange juice, cereal, toast, and tea are usually enough to set me up for the day. For variety, I’ve recently re-discovered ‘instant porridge’: just add water and milk and a microwave burst and it’s ready; breakfast is so easy!

It’s disappointing that the breakfast burst of energy fades! Just as well I am on dry land, and not paddling about on the water. The ravages of time have reduced my muscle tone and increased my girth (just to put my socks on requires a herculean effort!). Most days I set off, rugged up against the cold, and go walking for a couple of kilometres or so. Not quite as vigorously as in earlier times when walking with Dorothy. They were always some of our sweetest times, and she continued to be a strong walker right through her life, even into those Alzheimer’s years.

Somehow we all must cope, each in our own way, to weather the storms of life, to navigate our way, always looking forward to more calm and placid times. And now, as a landlubber and in my dotage, I’ve discovered walking downhill should be the easiest but, strangely, it hurts my old knees, but uphill is less so. I much prefer being ‘on the level’, and isn’t that a safer place, anyway?       

Many of my older readers will remember pennies, even halfpennies, and perhaps the joy of finding a ‘thrupenny bit’ in the Christmas pudding. Ah, memories! And moneyboxes, and jars of coins we kept for special treats…. Now, even our banknotes are being phased out!

Our wallets and purses are becoming redundant, and these days, most of us now use only a ‘card’. Perhaps, like me, you have a Debit card (not a Credit card), which never has more than a week’s supply of money on it. I top-it-up online as needed with no transaction delay. That means if I lose my card – and report it promptly, I need never lose very much money to card misuse.

And here’s another red-hot tip: get an Apple iPad (or any ‘Tablet’ computer). Doesn’t even need to be the latest. If you have a family, it’s odds-on that someone will have, or will soon have, an unwanted model. As trade-ins, they are usually of not much value. But, if you can’t source a second-hand one, lash out and buy a used or, preferably, a new one!

Such a tablet computer will be a great investment, especially if you do it now. Become familiar with it while you have all your wits about you, and the enjoyment will stay with you for years to come. Just do it. It will transform your later years, wherever you are. The iPad is totally portable – ready to go with you, anywhere. And there is an abundance of free lessons and support groups to help you master its use.

You probably already have a smartphone (maybe a family hand-me-down) and a ‘plan’ which includes a data allowance. For example, my mobile phone plan costs me $16/month with unlimited Aussie calls, and 20Gb data allowance for internet access. For casual use, that’s more than adequate (I don’t watch movies on the phone). Your iPad can use that phone data, or your home network, if you have one. All wirelessly. No cables or connections (except to plug it in to top up its battery). And, when visiting, you can usually login to the internet via a Care home’s ‘network’, too.

Dementia Australia have a free App for tablets: A Better Visit app | Dementia Australia which I enjoyed with Dorothy many times when she was in care. It is a collection of games and activities, and a good example of creatively using an iPad when visiting someone with Alzheimer’s.

I suggest using your existing computer (or a friend’s) to easily find more information and free lessons to help you quickly become familiar with an iPad. I reckon, once you see how versatile and easy a ‘tablet’ is, you will soon be ready to ditch that old laptop (it’s probably running Windows 10 which is to be abandoned in in a year or two, anyway).

If you have some vision impairment, another advantage of an iPad is that you can easily resize and enlarge type size, icons, and pictures on the screen. And you can download books to read, or listen to, from your local Library, too. Of course you can also watch movies, read newspapers, exchange emails, enjoy family messaging – and the list goes on. Oh, and it’s a camera, too.

See what I mean? It truly can transform your lonely elder years. You can’t start too early, but you can start too late! If you haven’t begun your journey on the iPad road, you really should make a start, and now is a good time. I have no commercial affiliation with the Apple company, I just love my iPad because it opens the world to me.

An electronic pad is a useful tool and, especially, an easy companion as we travel alone or with a partner along our otherwise sometimes lonely retirement road……

Living alone and being lonely may feel like the same thing. To others it might look the same, but you and I know it isn’t. Being alone after a lifetime with a partner is never going to be the same. Never can be. We have all learned that every day we live is different, we all know nothing stays the same. Such is life – and the stuff of history.

Yesterday, it almost seems, I had a wife. A partner with whom I shared every facet of our lives together. Today, some years later, I have now learned to rejoice in the memories and have begun to embrace the day, today, rather than the yesterdays.

Of course, that journey together, with all its ups and downs over those sixty odd years, will never be forgotten. We were fortunate to have happy loving children and great-grandchildren, in whom all the facets of our married life are gently imprinted. The same, but different. That’s the bonus, the multiplication effect of happiness, which can never be entirely overshadowed by sadness, or time.

This road of aloneness is, for me, not so lonely as it was at first – although it does have its moments. Slowly, we all learn how the passage of time helps us to rebalance, to rebuild and reshape our now singular lives. My belief in a loving God, coupled with the love of our children and our friends, continues to maintain my sense of worth. That’s the antidote for depression which continues to provide strength as I try to rebalance my lopsided life.

So, my readers who are without a partner for whatever reason, take heart! Our lives do get turned upside down sometimes – nothing stays the same. We all need to take time out to restore our muddled minds and, although we can never be the same again, we all strive to find a new level of life, a new point of balance. I simply try to pace myself and accept that everything is always changing and to roll with punches! Sort of “go with the flow”, but in a different, more energising, way.

Life can never be the same as it was yesterday; nothing, except maybe love – and even that needs nurture. So, I guess we need to accept and rejoice in today, this present day, whether it’s the same or different; it’s the most certain thing we have!!

In a personal sense, the degree of attachment to our partner is an almost infinitely variable connection in a loving way. Alternatively, partners can also become detached, and that can mean being separated physically, and/or emotionally, from a loved one. Intrinsically, we all hanker for a caring relationship with the person closest to us; tragically that connection is often fragile and tenuous, liable to disconnection and isolation – even as we yearn for it to be stronger.

I guess most of us have experienced a degree of discomfort within a personal attachment. Even antagonism and unhappiness can exist momentarily or longer in an otherwise happy and settled relationship. After a minor disruption, the process of making-up is the flip side, the happy ending we usually experience. Our lives when shared with any partner invariably include all kinds of minor disturbances and we are generally able to move on and resume our loving relationship.

As my readers may well know, there are new and differing aspects when we are living with an Alzheimer’s afflicted partner. Such an evolving relationship uncovers a multifaceted range of circumstances; it discloses quite separate perspectives requiring both parties to learn a whole new raft of responses and behaviours.

Adapting to those constantly emerging changes can be, and usually is, nerve-wracking and debilitating. Like me, you will develop coping mechanisms. You will discover ways and means to remain calm, to get some quality sleep time, to try and develop your own interests and activities and, at the same time (!), find happy activities you can both share together.

That’s a big ask. Early on, for as long as I could manage, two of my important techniques were for me to read aloud and for us to walk together. Even that was not always easy. Moods, weather, health, physical difficulties, singly or at the same time, can complicate even the simple act of sitting still or going for a walk. Just cajoling your partner to change footwear from slippers to appropriate walking shoes can turn into a disruption or abandonment of plan!

But a carer must also accept the need for periods of detachment for refreshment; must find a method of diversion from the constancy of care with its hurts and stresses. One paramount part of my armoury, my skillset to cope, included recognising that I needed help so I could ‘have a break’. If you, my reader, are feeling jaded and too attached, all the time, you should talk to someone about balancing the ‘attached and detached’. There’s a world of difference!

Whether we live alone or with a partner needing care, we all strive for balance and a degree of stability in our lives. Of course, how we define balance can be infinitely variable; it will always be changing – as our life evolves and our environment becomes different.

For simplicity here, though, I will try to define just three states of balance in our life: ‘Active’, ‘Reactive’, and ‘My time’. When I had the care of my wife at home, those three states of being seemed to be constantly in flux and often in conflict. As many of my readers know, that tension is debilitating and often counterproductive.

We soon learn why it’s so important to establish a regime, a lifestyle, a pattern of care that accepts the rigour but also embraces the positive aspects. It must find a way of life that reduces the uncertainty, confusion, and tiring effects of imbalance.

Being physically and mentally alert and active all the time, round-the-clock, just can’t be done for very long. Certainly, my attempts in those early years of caring for Dorothy, my wife who developed Alzheimer’s, soon demonstrated that I needed support.

The never-ending tension twixt work, life, and play, still applies even now to me, in my single retired state (maybe to you, too!). Seeking help often doesn’t come easily to some folk, but do it, you must. I can’t imagine what condition I would now be in had I not sought advice in those early days. Firstly, from our doctor and then from the resources available in the community.

You also need to stop and review your own health and how well you are caring – for both of you. And face the need to get help. As you read this now, if you are stressed and tired, take heart; you’ll find some useful links on this website.

If you mostly cope well but are frequently only being reactive, perhaps unsure how to react in a better way, then – same thing, talk to your family and your doctor. Don’t wait until you are ‘burnt-out’. Again, check out the links above. You can get by for quite a while, but sometimes the need for care is relentless and draining.

But now I want you to pause from your labours and love, and move to what I’ve labelled the third state: ‘My time’. Of course, in the context of this discussion, it doesn’t mean doing nothing! It means you need to find some ‘Me time’- time just for you. A time and space that you alone can choose how to use. It can be just having a break, time away, visiting friends, playing, or watching sport, maybe indulging your hobbies, or reading, even travel. Perhaps simply getting a few good nights’ sleep! Your choice of ‘what’ is less important than the act of pausing.

To sum up, I’d say we must all keep trying to ‘keep an even keel’ in our lives so that we can stay afloat and be more valuable as a partner or friend. Personally, as a solo, I strive for that equilibrium and readily admit to being just a little bit sometimes ‘off balance’…. but, I hope, never unbalanced or floundering!

One-way-roads always lead somewhere, else why do they exist? But our journeys and travels on earth are more interesting if we can get back home! And it’s a bit like that with communication – it’s always good to get feedback – two-way conversation trumps talking to yourself.

In today’s world, discourse between humans has never been easier or quicker, and I suspect it’s the speed that has destroyed the quality. One-way is often the prevalent flow as we are constantly and incredibly bombarded with information, like never before over a wide range of media.

I was born in the thirties, with a shared landline phone (if you were lucky), and just a few AM radio stations. I recall my grandma’s first new-fangled radio had two banks of batteries and a large, horn-shaped speaker! And we had a choice of a morning newspaper, the ‘The Sun’ or ‘The Age’, and the evening ‘Herald’; and we had an ice-block food chest! For real emergencies you could handwrite a brief Telegram and the local Post Office would send it off – and a ‘telegram boy’ would hand deliver it, anywhere in Australia!

In those war years, we had government-issued Ration Books (I still have one!), little wallet-sized, thin cardboard books of coupons for Petrol, Clothing, and Food. Even sugar was rationed! Handwritten letters often took a week to find their way to the recipient; but the precious replies were such a delight, slowly flowing between us, as lovers and families, and were often saved and treasured for years!

Nowadays, personal contact often seems to be centred and confined to one of the many, usually abbreviated, ‘instant’ forms of phone-based internet. Yes, I agree, the messages can be simple, and sometimes important, but they are ephemeral. And now those various electronic exchange systems have virtually replaced posted letters.

Even personal email is losing favour. Instead, that instant messaging dominates – and it demands immediate response! Don’t we all constantly see heads bowed to phones, everywhere?

Being now somewhat senile, I confess to being stuck in a time-warp, with only a limited understanding of the vast range (and power) of all those social media options. As a result, I now continue to use only emails. I prefer email because it provides the option to ‘read and respond at an appropriate time and place‘. Somewhat amazingly, I have also learned how to post this text to my website – but, again, at my own pace and timetable!

The momentum of electronic messaging and the proliferation of spurious unwanted promotional material often deters some people from reading and responding to a lot of emails! The result is that sometimes email is at risk of being pushed down the ever-growing inbox, quickly deleted and ultimately lost into the internet void….

We all love to use our complex phones and computers for many things. But nothing beats face-to-face two-way conversation!