Living alone and being lonely may feel like the same thing. To others it might look the same, but you and I know it isn’t. Being alone after a lifetime with a partner is never going to be the same. Never can be. We have all learned that every day we live is different, we all know nothing stays the same. Such is life – and the stuff of history.

Yesterday, it almost seems, I had a wife. A partner with whom I shared every facet of our lives together. Today, some years later, I have now learned to rejoice in the memories and have begun to embrace the day, today, rather than the yesterdays.

Of course, that journey together, with all its ups and downs over those sixty odd years, will never be forgotten. We were fortunate to have happy loving children and great-grandchildren, in whom all the facets of our married life are gently imprinted. The same, but different. That’s the bonus, the multiplication effect of happiness, which can never be entirely overshadowed by sadness, or time.

This road of aloneness is, for me, not so lonely as it was at first – although it does have its moments. Slowly, we all learn how the passage of time helps us to rebalance, to rebuild and reshape our now singular lives. My belief in a loving God, coupled with the love of our children and our friends, continues to maintain my sense of worth. That’s the antidote for depression which continues to provide strength as I try to rebalance my lopsided life.

So, my readers who are without a partner for whatever reason, take heart! Our lives do get turned upside down sometimes – nothing stays the same. We all need to take time out to restore our muddled minds and, although we can never be the same again, we all strive to find a new level of life, a new point of balance. I simply try to pace myself and accept that everything is always changing and to roll with punches! Sort of “go with the flow”, but in a different, more energising, way.

Life can never be the same as it was yesterday; nothing, except maybe love – and even that needs nurture. So, I guess we need to accept and rejoice in today, this present day, whether it’s the same or different; it’s the most certain thing we have!!

In a personal sense, the degree of attachment to our partner is an almost infinitely variable connection in a loving way. Alternatively, partners can also become detached, and that can mean being separated physically, and/or emotionally, from a loved one. Intrinsically, we all hanker for a caring relationship with the person closest to us; tragically that connection is often fragile and tenuous, liable to disconnection and isolation – even as we yearn for it to be stronger.

I guess most of us have experienced a degree of discomfort within a personal attachment. Even antagonism and unhappiness can exist momentarily or longer in an otherwise happy and settled relationship. After a minor disruption, the process of making-up is the flip side, the happy ending we usually experience. Our lives when shared with any partner invariably include all kinds of minor disturbances and we are generally able to move on and resume our loving relationship.

As my readers may well know, there are new and differing aspects when we are living with an Alzheimer’s afflicted partner. Such an evolving relationship uncovers a multifaceted range of circumstances; it discloses quite separate perspectives requiring both parties to learn a whole new raft of responses and behaviours.

Adapting to those constantly emerging changes can be, and usually is, nerve-wracking and debilitating. Like me, you will develop coping mechanisms. You will discover ways and means to remain calm, to get some quality sleep time, to try and develop your own interests and activities and, at the same time (!), find happy activities you can both share together.

That’s a big ask. Early on, for as long as I could manage, two of my important techniques were for me to read aloud and for us to walk together. Even that was not always easy. Moods, weather, health, physical difficulties, singly or at the same time, can complicate even the simple act of sitting still or going for a walk. Just cajoling your partner to change footwear from slippers to appropriate walking shoes can turn into a disruption or abandonment of plan!

But a carer must also accept the need for periods of detachment for refreshment; must find a method of diversion from the constancy of care with its hurts and stresses. One paramount part of my armoury, my skillset to cope, included recognising that I needed help so I could ‘have a break’. If you, my reader, are feeling jaded and too attached, all the time, you should talk to someone about balancing the ‘attached and detached’. There’s a world of difference!

Whether we live alone or with a partner needing care, we all strive for balance and a degree of stability in our lives. Of course, how we define balance can be infinitely variable; it will always be changing – as our life evolves and our environment becomes different.

For simplicity here, though, I will try to define just three states of balance in our life: ‘Active’, ‘Reactive’, and ‘My time’. When I had the care of my wife at home, those three states of being seemed to be constantly in flux and often in conflict. As many of my readers know, that tension is debilitating and often counterproductive.

We soon learn why it’s so important to establish a regime, a lifestyle, a pattern of care that accepts the rigour but also embraces the positive aspects. It must find a way of life that reduces the uncertainty, confusion, and tiring effects of imbalance.

Being physically and mentally alert and active all the time, round-the-clock, just can’t be done for very long. Certainly, my attempts in those early years of caring for Dorothy, my wife who developed Alzheimer’s, soon demonstrated that I needed support.

The never-ending tension twixt work, life, and play, still applies even now to me, in my single retired state (maybe to you, too!). Seeking help often doesn’t come easily to some folk, but do it, you must. I can’t imagine what condition I would now be in had I not sought advice in those early days. Firstly, from our doctor and then from the resources available in the community.

You also need to stop and review your own health and how well you are caring – for both of you. And face the need to get help. As you read this now, if you are stressed and tired, take heart; you’ll find some useful links on this website.

If you mostly cope well but are frequently only being reactive, perhaps unsure how to react in a better way, then – same thing, talk to your family and your doctor. Don’t wait until you are ‘burnt-out’. Again, check out the links above. You can get by for quite a while, but sometimes the need for care is relentless and draining.

But now I want you to pause from your labours and love, and move to what I’ve labelled the third state: ‘My time’. Of course, in the context of this discussion, it doesn’t mean doing nothing! It means you need to find some ‘Me time’- time just for you. A time and space that you alone can choose how to use. It can be just having a break, time away, visiting friends, playing, or watching sport, maybe indulging your hobbies, or reading, even travel. Perhaps simply getting a few good nights’ sleep! Your choice of ‘what’ is less important than the act of pausing.

To sum up, I’d say we must all keep trying to ‘keep an even keel’ in our lives so that we can stay afloat and be more valuable as a partner or friend. Personally, as a solo, I strive for that equilibrium and readily admit to being just a little bit sometimes ‘off balance’…. but, I hope, never unbalanced or floundering!

One-way-roads always lead somewhere, else why do they exist? But our journeys and travels on earth are more interesting if we can get back home! And it’s a bit like that with communication – it’s always good to get feedback – two-way conversation trumps talking to yourself.

In today’s world, discourse between humans has never been easier or quicker, and I suspect it’s the speed that has destroyed the quality. One-way is often the prevalent flow as we are constantly and incredibly bombarded with information, like never before over a wide range of media.

I was born in the thirties, with a shared landline phone (if you were lucky), and just a few AM radio stations. I recall my grandma’s first new-fangled radio had two banks of batteries and a large, horn-shaped speaker! And we had a choice of a morning newspaper, the ‘The Sun’ or ‘The Age’, and the evening ‘Herald’; and we had an ice-block food chest! For real emergencies you could handwrite a brief Telegram and the local Post Office would send it off – and a ‘telegram boy’ would hand deliver it, anywhere in Australia!

In those war years, we had government-issued Ration Books (I still have one!), little wallet-sized, thin cardboard books of coupons for Petrol, Clothing, and Food. Even sugar was rationed! Handwritten letters often took a week to find their way to the recipient; but the precious replies were such a delight, slowly flowing between us, as lovers and families, and were often saved and treasured for years!

Nowadays, personal contact often seems to be centred and confined to one of the many, usually abbreviated, ‘instant’ forms of phone-based internet. Yes, I agree, the messages can be simple, and sometimes important, but they are ephemeral. And now those various electronic exchange systems have virtually replaced posted letters.

Even personal email is losing favour. Instead, that instant messaging dominates – and it demands immediate response! Don’t we all constantly see heads bowed to phones, everywhere?

Being now somewhat senile, I confess to being stuck in a time-warp, with only a limited understanding of the vast range (and power) of all those social media options. As a result, I now continue to use only emails. I prefer email because it provides the option to ‘read and respond at an appropriate time and place‘. Somewhat amazingly, I have also learned how to post this text to my website – but, again, at my own pace and timetable!

The momentum of electronic messaging and the proliferation of spurious unwanted promotional material often deters some people from reading and responding to a lot of emails! The result is that sometimes email is at risk of being pushed down the ever-growing inbox, quickly deleted and ultimately lost into the internet void….

We all love to use our complex phones and computers for many things. But nothing beats face-to-face two-way conversation!

Even when we’re young, we sometimes forget things. Later in life, most of us have a good recall of things past with only occasional lapses. Then there are other folk who are forever forgetting things and whose memories keep on slipping away…

That could be one of the indicators of Alzheimer’s progression. Another might be when our partner doesn’t ‘connect’ what they see or hear in the context of the present time and place. Sadly, they also may not be able to understand what was said or experienced just a few minutes, even seconds, before….

As a partner, you will need, as I did, to learn how to cope with some unexpected reactions to everyday events; to develop skills and techniques that enable you to keep your cool and be incredibly patient and resourceful, as you start your walk with a partner on that dementia road. Those early stages, well, they’re actually the hardest parts. Disbelief….

You can’t believe it. Surely, it’s just old-fashioned forgetfulness! Sometimes it’s hard not to be angry, upset, even sulky, when it all gets so complex. All you wanted was the shopping list which you are sure your partner was writing yesterday! Where is it? What was on it, anyway? C’mon! Tempers get a bit ragged on both sides. How many more times do I have to tell you? Does that sound familiar?

If you are like me you may be blaming yourself. Like: I know I am impatient; I also forget things; I’m just as much in the wrong here. Maybe you are at fault – you need to find out! Chances are you’ll have to admit it’s not just you and accept there is a relationship problem. The forgetfulness and misunderstandings persist and tempers on both sides become frayed, often.

Before one of you becomes totally unpleasant, take time to sit quietly and think through how your partnership is going. Next, you’ll need to have a private yarn with your children or, if there are none, a best friend. Make a little list of the activities and issues that concern you. Next, you should discuss those issues with your doctor. The doctor will undoubtedly refer you and your partner to a specialist.

Now your ingenuity, love and patience will be stretched, yet again. But, at last, you will know what’s happening and you will see that there is a way forward for you both. And you must go ahead. Some of the resources I have itemised on this site might also help you make a start.

You will find the way to negotiate your way through those early investigative phases…it isn’t easy; you have begun to accept that your partner is no longer the same person in these recent months/years. They are, somehow, the same yet different; but the big thing, your love, remains.

Despite the multitude of disturbing aspects, you will finally understand and accept that almost everything in your life is changing. You will also discover how to enjoy as much happy time together as possible. You will find how to manage, because now you know there is a way, albeit a different way, to continue your journey together.

Along that caring way, tough as it can be, I hope you’ll also find joy in the myriad of activities that you can share, and which will enrich you both. It’s true, little things do mean a lot….

“Keeping cool” can mean maintaining a relaxed demeanour and not getting ‘hot under the collar’. On hot summer days our appetite for food is sometimes not as great, and I also certainly often feel an added lethargy when it comes to deciding what to eat in the heat.

Eating alone already has enough negative aspects, but when the weather is stiflingly hot the prospect of preparing and cooking a meal for just one person, can become daunting. That’s largely because my late dear Dorothy spoiled me by always being the consummate chef and homemaker. Great, but nowadays when I think of preparing a meal I almost shudder!

Creative cooking for one person can also require a vast array of herbs and spices and other ingredients which are seldom used. They soon become past their use-by date, so I long ago disposed of them. Now I have only a limited number of condiments but can still achieve a varied diet.

Breakfast is easy, and is one meal that doesn’t vary much, year-round: fruit juice, cereal, and a slice of toast with vegemite and, perhaps rarely, an egg. Even lunch is a breeze; if it’s a cool day, a “Cup-a-Soup”, maybe a cheese sandwich, a piece of fruit – quite enough… But dinner at night, well, that’s a whole new ball game!

I have a daughter who lives nearby, and I reckon you could hear my cheer when she frequently suggests dinner with her family. As well, there’s a monthly meal with my neighbours at the Retirement Village café and, occasionally, dinner with a friend. All the other evening meals are a challenge to me; it’s either a raid on the deep-frozen dinners or be creative….

Some days I get really extravagant and innovative: three veggies (frozen), with half a brown onion, a tomato, and a fresh (or frozen) lamb chop. Then, for variety, there’s eggs, pasta, and sauce in a bottle. Afterwards, dessert is easy: a choice of creamed rice (in a tub), or perhaps ice-cream with chocolate sauce (in a bottle it keeps for months), or an ice-cream on a stick. Finally, fresh fruit, an apple, orange, banana, or some nuts, or even half an avocado in season.

(Later in the evenings, of course, limited snacking of nuts, chocolate or fruit is occasionally a nice indulgence when watching the telly…. shhh, that’s my secret).

There you go – a healthy diet of basic food with hardly any prep or washing up! There must be some advantages of living alone. With a frig and freezer and a microwave oven, simple meals with few ingredients and pre-cooked frozen meals must be some of them! My dietary objectives are to avoid food wastage, gaining weight, and washing up.

I wonder what other single blokes, living at home, aspire to at mealtimes? Some, I know, are really good in the kitchen and regard cooking like a cherished hobby. Not me! I have now revealed my personal culinary secrets and you have now discovered how I eat healthy meals without the fuss, and at minimum cost. Have you any ideas to share?

The bonus for me, especially in this hot weather, is that I never need to use the conventional oven, and that’s another easy reason for me to keep my cool!

I used to think, back in schooldays, that life was simple, with only two states of being: everything either black or white, yes or no. How naïve! I soon discovered a wonderful truth: there are an infinite number of shades of grey available between the states of happy and sad. Usually, we exist somewhere in between!

I remember that emotional rollercoaster ride between those feelings when I was caring for my wife, just as some of my readers will also now be experiencing. Let’s face it, we all know the swings and roundabouts of everyday life, no matter where we’re at along our journey. I reckon we haven’t lived unless, and until, we’ve experienced all the range of human emotions.

And all this talk of ‘AI’ and robotic life! Humph! There’s no substitute for a human friend as I was recently reminded by a phone call from a mate. He was feeling poorly and just needed a real ‘chat’. Not ChatGPT (or whatever that robotic option is called). A real, live, personal, exchange!

We older folk especially do need a proper chat every so often, especially those without a live-in partner. Reading a book, walking, or watching TV is all very well, but…nothing beats sharing the odd thought with a friend. Being solitary does ‘get to us’ sometimes, and we crave human company; even just a short burst will do, even an email or yak on the phone!

So, there’s my message for the month! Make contact with a friend as often as appropriate. You may be surprised at what a tonic it can be for you both.

And any method will work; just get the sparks flying in the nicest way. When you get to our advanced age, many of our oldest friends have already gone to greener pastures and our ‘circle’ is diminished. Your contact, your sharing, your caring, is going to be really appreciated.

Maybe do it, right now! Make today someone’s happy day. Any type of contact will do, be inventive, be positive: phone, email, letter, visit, whatever.                ……But just do it, while that friend’s name is on your heart, this very minute!

Another fresh start. Yes, another new year is here again – so soon! Another chance to review and renew ourselves, maybe to even reshape our lives…….

Perhaps ‘reshaping’ is a bit grandiose, but it is a good time to reflect on last year’s endeavours and to recall the successes and the happy times. There’s usually nothing to be gained by dwelling on the rough spots we encountered along last year’s journey; but, as we leave 2023 behind, it is useful to pause and remember those aspects and activities of our life which worked well and resolve to avoid the others in the coming new year!

Of course, many of life’s slings and arrows can’t be dodged. You and I both managed to survive most of the hurtful ones, didn’t we? I consider myself a ‘glass half full’ person and try to focus on the good stuff, rather than wallow in self-pity – mostly…. The important lesson from last year’s activities is not to repeat the failed ones as we plan our life ahead in the New Year.

Last year there were some personal missteps – travelling alone was probably my worst. I am blessed with comparative good health and last year I had resolved to travel as much as I could afford and cope with, and I chose a cruise. I thought shipboard cruising would tick all the boxes for me, and in the main, it did. It was almost successful and enjoyable, but not quite; it was lonely! So, for this new year, I resolved, while I am well enough, to try some different approaches to travel – to go somewhere on dry land and stay put!

Then, before the new year arrived, I had a surprise invitation to have Christmas overseas! One of my sons and his wife have been renovating a home in the South Island of New Zealand and they invited me to share their first Christmas on the island. I was able to fly direct, from Melbourne to Queenstown, which certainly lessened the travel fatigue. I had been a bit apprehensive at the prospect of lengthy waiting periods at the airport, but reading an enjoyable book and having only carry-on baggage was a significant help! Crowd-watching, a cup of coffee and a casual chat with fellow travellers always helps, too.

I was delighted to be able to join my family for the festive occasion, and we had a great time together. Despite there still being plenty of their home renovation work to do, they kindly spared this old man from any hard yakka! They took me on drives to see some of the incredible scenic places in that picturesque island! It was easy travel for me – and having accommodation with family made it such a special treat. The weather and the scenery were spectacular, and they made sure I had a happy and memorable start to the new year!

Life’s like that. Our journey is always more enjoyable when shared, and when our life partner is no longer with us we certainly miss that companionship. Although my dear Dorothy can’t be with me now, I will continue to travel when I can, and at all other times try to stay connected and enjoy the company of my family and friends. There is so much disruption and distress in so many places, and so I exhort you to pray with me that peace and harmony will prevail in this troubled world.

And look, it’s 2024 already! So, let’s keep looking ahead, savouring the journey, stopping to smell the roses (a lot), and plotting the next adventure, ever moving while we can …..

“At a standstill” is a phrase not often used these days. Probably because in todays’ frenetic lifestyles so few of us have that luxury. Of course, we retired people do have the ability and opportunity of stopping, standing still and actually smelling the roses. Even so, we often don’t, and our lives become just a little fragmented, sometimes even frenetic, especially like now, towards the end of the year.

Of course, we also know that it’s not a good idea to be still and inactive for lengthy periods; that could adversely affect our heart, our circulation, muscles, and our sagging bits! And, anyway, we need a bit of mental and physical activity to stir us up occasionally. Mind you, a few periods of peace and tranquillity are always welcome. I certainly take my fair share of that stillness and serenity because I find it hard to believe, at our age, that too much of a good thing is bad for us!

Luckily, I am still able to do my fair share of walking and other activities. And, like many of my friends I’ve learned to find solace in my singularity. Although we might at times yearn for companionship, even when walking, the exercise is certainly beneficial. It has the added bonus of imbuing a sense of tranquillity as we seek to settle our sometimes-turbulent minds.

Being part of a family is great, and it is their love that “makes the medicine go down.” But when I sometimes feel lonely there is an extraordinary comfort to be found in the company of our contemporaries, and I treasure the contact and care of my single friends with a similar mindset, many of whom are now residing in care and, while I’m still able to drive safely, I enjoy visiting them.

But, let’s face it, as I become older, I do become forgetful of many things. Even though my eyesight is good, sometimes, my old mind can recall only fragments of my earlier life. It’s as though they are different shaped pieces of a disrupted jigsaw puzzle! At present I am still able to see the whole picture on the lid of that imaginary box, despite it being a bit blurry.

And I mostly recognise those funny-shaped little pieces inside the box of my mind. However, where they all fit…well it’s not easy for me most times. How much more difficult, even impossible, it is for those folk like my late wife Dorothy with Alzheimer’s, when even the box-top view is obscured!

We are indeed privileged if we can identify all the pieces of our life’s puzzle. Maybe they are scattered and disconnected, perhaps some are neatly slotted together, or we can recognise where pieces have been lost. We are even more blessed if we can fit most of the little fragments together and enjoy a sort of overview of the whole picture.

I’m happy that I live in a country where I can still see and enjoy the blurry picture on the lid of my life-box, and I praise God for the blessing of happy memories of life’s big picture, made up of so many bits from times past.

As we approach the end of this year my wish for you, my reader, is that you will rejoice in your happy memories at Christmas time, and that your journey in the New Year will be a happy one – and that you, too, might joyously rummage through the pieces of your own personal life-puzzle!

I’m looking forward to the New Year and hope to add some more notes…. How about you subscribe? – Just scroll to the spot over there on the right and cheer me up!

Several of my friends and contemporaries are now living in care homes and I try to visit them when I can. Upon the transition from our own home, we often have to leave behind some of our hobbies and interests. The most ‘portable’ activity to take, wherever we are, is the ability to read – books, magazines, or newspapers. If we have sight problems, talking books are just the thing, and for most of us there’s TV with enough channels to satisfy almost anyone!

In my visits to friends in a number of care homes nearby I’ve discovered many residents are happy to just chat with others in the lounge, or over their meals. Others are less ‘sociable’, for a myriad of reasons. For newcomers in an aged care facility, it may not be easy to integrate into an established group. Finding and then establishing rapport with kindred spirits doesn’t come easily for many of us at the best of times!

And some people are not easy to talk to or befriend. They may have become withdrawn and sad because of illness or a bereavement. Others are simply garrulous and incessant talkers! Most of us will negotiate our way around relationships in all sorts of encounters. But it does take time, often patience, and always a big dose of love. Some of us are not easy to get along with, wherever we are housed, any time.

Then, as we age, the number of long friendships keeps reducing. We find it does take some effort to form a bond with younger people whose early life experiences are so radically different to people like us. Many of us will have grown up into our teen years without a telephone, perhaps only a battery-powered radio, no computers, no TV; and the milk, the bread, the ice, and the groceries were all delivered to the door! I recall my uncle retiring, years ago, from his bread delivery job, never having driven anything but his horse-drawn bread-cart.

Changes in life are constant: our families, neighbours, schools, our work, and we often move to new residences. When we were younger, we could easily make new friends during those transitions. Later, it becomes difficult, and yet critical, to maintain and develop our friendship circle as it inexorably shrinks. We are often propelled into new surroundings, new people, and places. Those changes compel us to nurture our existing relationships, and not neglect our social and hobby activities and interests.

Here’s my plan, dear reader: to continue writing, reading, and travelling, to watch quality TV and listen to fine music. They are all able to be done solo – or with others, for as long as possible!

I am always amazed and stimulated by the diversified activities of my friends; one is writing her life story, another is making greeting cards, another is an avid user of talking books, another a crossword addict, and yet others are playing scrabble or cards. Yes, in retirement, a shared activity trumps everything,