During our lifetime we have all said those words, many times! It’s an honest, direct admission that we are all fallible. And, of course, at times we have forgotten, or even refused, to say sorry. Maybe especially to someone we love, and for a whole raft of reasons. We fudge, we admit we forgot, or often simply just avoid the issue.

Of course I’m now writing about other people. You and I always admit when we’re wrong or at fault and then apologise, don’t we? Sometimes it’s difficult to say those words, because things aren’t always black and white, right or wrong. Often there are faults or omissions by both parties.

Then there are times when we admit to some slip or action because it was not deliberate, perhaps an oversight or simply a mistake. Sometimes we need to find ways to calm those troubled waters, and that can become a bit stormy when your partner has a memory problem or is confused. I learned this with my late wife, Dorothy, who had Alzheimer’s.

There were many times in those uneasy years when simple actions, conversations, and behaviours by both of us quickly became complex. Right and wrong, black and white, all coexisted. In those times, I slowly learned that identifying blame doesn’t really matter; finding a simple and safe solution was what needed. Reaching a conclusion without rancour, with dignity and respect, became paramount. Avoiding a major incident while keeping two cool heads was the goal, and soon, before the affair erupts into a major disaster!

As ‘Carers’, we begin to learn how to avoid distressing confrontations and incidents that can develop into aggression and moodiness, even isolation. If you are facing some of these circumstances, I suggest you contact Dementia Australia (phone 1300 636 679) and ask for advice. They have great resource material and a wealth of information to help guide you both in this phase of your lives.

Many of their publications and courses outline key ways to maintain a meaningful and loving relationship. Here are a few points I identified:

1. Keep talking to each other; speak clearly and unambiguously.
2. Keep questions simple, sensitive, and positive.
3. Be receptive and always show respect rather than aggression.
4. Focus on one thing at a time and avoid distractions.
5. Disclose new information slowly, in small bites, and seek positive responses.
6. Avoid convoluted and lengthy conversations on some topics.
7. Be patient and acknowledge the need for reinforcement of ideas.

It all seems so simple, yet you know it isn’t!

After a lifetime of complex, interacting conversations, life has moved on, and things are all different now.

I was going to say more, but now I’ve forgotten… See how easily I have become distracted and a little confused! But I have remembered to share these thoughts with you as you travel on with your partner in your special life journey.

Learning, loving, and adapting; not feeling sorry-sad, and having the strength, and remembering how and when, to say sorry even when it hurts….

Sometimes there aren’t enough hours in the day, and at other times the nights seem endless. It all depends, doesn’t it — on what we’re doing, or trying to do, during the day. When we’re busy caring for ourselves and a partner during the day, sometimes we can’t easily sleep, even though we’re exhausted!

In our earlier working lives, we lived our 24 hours in a more or less known pattern — work, sleep, home, then repeat — punctuated with weekends, sport, fun activities, visiting, and all that stuff and more. By bedtime we were mostly ready to sleep.

Now that we’re older and retired, our life patterns have changed. Mostly, we adapt easily, especially if we can continue our hobbies, sports, and other interests, and as world events and family events carry on, we learn and adapt to this new, non-working lifestyle — even as our bodies begin to creak.

Just when we’re settling into our well-earned retirement, many of us are likely to cop a curveball: an unplanned illness, a personal calamity. Perhaps a family member’s marriage breakdown, or someone we love facing an acute illness or a broken limb. Or maybe the unexpected breakdown of parts of our own body, or that of our partner.

Life’s like that, and we all experience disruptions. It’s a kind of miracle that we even cope during our working lives, but in retirement we often face these adjustments from a new perspective — and every aspect can seem harder to manage. Adapting to a new, hopefully simpler, retirement lifestyle, and learning how to enjoy the changes will be more difficult when one, or   both, partners is unwell. But there’s more help out there than ever before — and just as well.

In these later years, the special kind of help you could need may, at first, be hard to find; especially when you’re on your own and, at the same time, trying to care for a partner with Alzheimer’s – or any other health-related problem.

First, of course, talk to your family and to your doctor. Doctors are the significant starting point as you navigate a partner’s memory and health concerns. If you haven’t already made a start, don’t delay – now is the time to begin your journey through the labyrinth and discover just how much help is out there for you – both.

Don’t wait until your domestic medical conditions, especially including your partner’s life with dementia, becomes too jumbled and disruptive for you both to cope.

And, take heart, you are not alone. But you need to do your research and seek help while the sun is still shining. Tip: Making phone calls to government and other help agencies is best done early in the morning when wait times are less.

With the right help, you’ll discover how to enjoy your retirement, spending time together in all seasons, daylight-saving or not, whether the sun is shining or even when it’s showery or sometimes stormy.

And check out the links on this site to find some of the help you may need in your journey with Alzheimer’s.

Several of my friends are now residents of care homes, and I’m often intrigued to discover the diversity of their activities and hobby interests. Reading is probably the most common pastime, closely followed by TV, and some continue to enjoy their old hobbies and interests. Others have devised or chosen new and interesting pastimes to spark interest and find companionship.

The most critical factors shaping their choices are limitations of eyesight and manual dexterity, loss of mental acuity, and a raft of other challenging restrictions. Even the pleasure of reading can become difficult, and when that’s the case, listening to audiobooks, radio documentaries, drama, or music can be just as enjoyable. Of course, the huge range of channels and topics on TV, or a computer, can also be a great mental stimulant, providing entertainment and provoking our mental responses.

Earlier in life we often had hobbies and interests that can continue in some form at home or in care homes. Often, though, there are problems finding a secure place to store equipment and materials — and a work surface that can be cleared and stored until needed for the next session of knitting, writing, or a small craft or activity. It may be difficult or unsafe to store items like knives, needles, and scissors, but it’s easier to find secure places for cotton, wool, paper, pens, pencils, crayons, round-nosed scissors, and hole punches. Crucially — and sadly — many older people have fingers that just can’t cope with even simple tools anymore.

When a person is in care, or at home, it can be difficult to find a Bridge partner or even handle a deck of cards to play Patience. But these days, there are plenty of fascinating card and other games available online for phones, iPads, and laptops — and not all of them presuppose good eyesight, dexterity, or even computer literacy.

Audiobooks offer an exciting alternative way to entertain, educate, and enrich the lives of people living with disability or isolation. All that’s needed is a delivery method — usually a phone or iPad, plus an earpiece or mini-speaker, and just a little dexterity. I love my Kindle! It doesn’t weigh a ton, has no wires attached, and I can adjust the size of the letters and the screen brightness. It can also become a “talking book,” downloaded from my local library — maybe with a little help from a grandchild to do the downloading!

Some people in later years, whether still living at home or as a resident in care, have for various reasons had to give up long-held hobbies and interests. This forced abandonment can have profound effects on mental and physical health. The loss of those earlier stimulants is felt progressively, and they’re often difficult to replace, especially away from the accustomed comforts of home.

Finding other mind-stimulating activities is always worthwhile. Modern technology is both wonderful and an obstacle, and some people may need to discover new ways to interact in that electronic world. With a computer and internet access, but without dexterity and good sight, there can be real problems to overcome — fortunately, a range of accessibility aids and equipment is now available.

Social interaction can ease the isolation caused by giving up old activities, and that’s why social media can be a partial substitute. Unfortunately, at this point in history, a great many elders are either unfamiliar with or unable to cope with current technology, and I suspect that will remain true for some time.

A word of caution to those who seem always online, “glued to a screen” for long periods: be assured it can be detrimental to your eyes, mind, and even body. It may also lessen your interpersonal skills and opportunities, which — you guessed it — can lead to social isolation, even serious mental health outcomes.

The combination of unfamiliar technology and an inability to learn and adapt, for all sorts of reasons, can be a big hurdle to a contented retirement — and jumping is never easy without ability and training! When we’re younger, say under 70, we tend to pick up new skills and equipment quickly, but that’s not so easy for many of us in the elder demographic.

Keeping an interest in the world around us has never been easier — but only if we know how to use the means of access. If you haven’t yet decided to buy and learn to use a large-screen phone or tablet (an iPad, for example), now’s the time. Don’t wait till you become more isolated in mind and body or — in hospital, in a new nursing home, or away on a desert island.

Perhaps by the time you read this it will be the end of Winter and close to Dementia Acton Week. It will be a good time to review your role if you are travelling along the Alzheimer’s Road with a loved one, so here is a link to discover how to find out more:

https://www.dementia.org.au/get-involved/dementia-action-week

But first, I just have to give you a laugh at my expense, totally unrelated to Alzheimer’s, I think……..

It all started last Thursday about 11am when I called in at my local supermarket to replenish some supplies. As I was leaving, there was no one waiting at the cash register and the friendly operator waved me through and processed my few items. As I replaced my credit card, job done, I realised I had forgotten the milk! No one waiting at that stage, so the check-out cashier agreed to ‘watch’ my Blue Cross shopping bag sitting on the packing counter, while I dashed back inside, all the way to the back of the store to get the milk.

This is where the story takes a little turn… I became ‘waylaid’ as I returned to the store front, via a different aisle, and spotted some nail scissors in a less-travelled area of the store. Anxious to grab a pair to replace my old sloppy ones (at last) I took a little longer to get back to the cashier area. And then I couldn’t see my carry bag and, since the cashier was now very busy with another customer, I assumed he had relocated my bag to regain the space.

I waited for an opportune moment and asked him where my bag was. He looked at me in amazement – he had assumed that I had returned, paid at the self-pay area for my milk (which I had), then taken my bag and left the store while he was dealing with other customers.

We both were in shock for a few seconds, realising someone else had taken it: hopefully grabbed it up with other bags in their haste to clear the area. Well that seemed the best explanation, but we’ll never know. Store management were kind and insisted on printing a duplicate ‘paid docket’ and replacing the few missing items.

Perhaps it reflects the dire circumstances of some people in the community and the bag was stolen; I don’t think so, and I’ll never know. But someone has my Blue Cross bag that looks a bit like a Coles bag. Another link to my dear departed wife Dorothy has been broken.

Lesson learned: be kind to those in need, but never leave your bags unattended anywhere, even in a supermarket….  And now, please have look at that website I gave you, above.

Don’t wait till next month, Spring now.

Do you sometimes wish you could start afresh? You wouldn’t be the first to ever think that! But there’s no need to try – because it’s already within our power to do that, every day. We can simply do it, in our mind, any time we choose.

It’s known as ‘Mind over matter’. Put a positive spin on it and you’re on the way to even more contentment. Of course, how we feel and react in any situation is influenced by a whole raft of circumstances including our environment, our health, and our mental, physical, and financial resources, all of which will certainly affect our personal interactions and well-being. Fortunately, here in Australia, most of us are masters of our own feelings and, to some degree, our destiny; but that’s often not so for those with Alzheimer’s disease and their carers.

Responding to today’s challenges and how to prepare for tomorrow will usually depend upon our yesterdays – our lived experiences, and our personal attitude to life in general; all of which have been modified and shaped over time; events which have affected us and our loved ones and our relationships forged probably over many years. But today is the first day of the rest of your life, I’m told.

So, when the sun is shining, a gentle walk shared with a partner or friend “out in the fresh air” can be like a tonic. It’s amazing, to feel that sense of camaraderie when we take a quiet walk preferably in a local park, away from traffic and noise. Maybe like a tonic for you both!

It’s sad that, for understandable reasons like mobility and transport, the ‘art of visiting’ often declines as we age. Alternatively, we could use the phone or write letters (if you can afford the stamp and there’s no hurry!) or maybe use emails (if the recipient has access). But nothing beats a visit, except maybe a walk. We all like some ‘together’ time.

Some of our friends may not be able to get out and about these days, so it may be best to plan and notify a visit beforehand, although often a surprise will be welcome. You must make that judgement.

Visiting a friend with Alzheimer’s can be a challenge. Sometimes a simple chat or, at other times, a walk may be welcomed. Any opportunity to talk about the activities of their families and friends (or yours) could make it an enjoyable and memorable event; and always better outdoors, if the weather permits!

The enjoyment of your visits are best when you avoid rest or mealtimes. And that can be a bit tricky, too. However, all and any visits whether regular or occasional, are bound to have a beneficial effect on you both, in my experience.

So, I challenge my readers to find some time to share the company of a shut-in friend. Especially someone who is likely to be feeling a bit lonesome. Sure, you can take some flowers or fruit with you but that is optional, and usually quite unnecessary.

Your call or visit may well turn out to be like a “breath of fresh air” in their life. A wonderful gift that needs to cost nothing at all.

Now you might like to click on this link:  https://www.dementia.org.au/get-involved/dementia-action-week

Pick & Choose

… No, I am not going to complain about the weather or even grizzle about how cold it is (actually, we’ve been having some rather nice sunny days). But it’s the  winter mornings that seem to have a soporific effect on me; those grey beginnings often mean I start slowly!

Perhaps you can identify with that state of mind? Especially in those first waking moments as I lie there, recalling which day it is and what’s on today’s agenda. Just sleepily sifting through the mental list. Simple, everyday memories and problems swim and spiral in my head. And sometimes I just want to curl up and doze back to oblivion.

But yet, my conscience niggles until I finally break out of my trance. I throw back the doona and jump out of bed! Well, not literally. I crawl out, reluctantly don my old dressing gown and slippers, slosh some half-frozen water on my half-open eyes, and head off for some brekky. Now, I wonder if you have mornings like mine, like yesterday….

…Got to the ‘frig to find just barely enough milk for cereal and a cuppa. Oh, Hosai, you’ve done it again, Bill. Stop. Write down ‘Milk’ on the shopping-list pad by the phone – and while I’m there… wasn’t there something else I wanted yesterday and now I can’t remember what it was – not the first time I’ve done that, either. Oh, yes, it was bread! Not even a slice left. Luckily there’s some frozen, sliced, bread in the freezer. So, using a knife – very carefully, I separate a slice and pop it in the toaster.

Clever you, you also remember there’s an unopened litre of long-life milk in the pantry. Saved again! And there is still almost a scoop of yoghurt in the fridge to add to my cereal. Suddenly the toaster pops up a thawed bread slice. So, while tucking in to the cereal, I push that slice down again, and resume my waking-up process.

Just as I’m are finishing my cereal, I smell something… burning…Oh, no, you’ve done it again. The toaster ejects (explodes!) the burnt offering up into the air and it falls to the floor just as the smoke alarm above my head starts its incessant wailing. As I instinctively jump up from the table my arm knocks the spoon which flips the cereal bowl and its contents to the floor!

My brain is spinning with the noise and the mess, and I need to decide what to do first. Before I can think about that, the phone rings….

…. “Office here, is everything OK there?”. Somewhat incoherently you explain to the management of the village where you live, that “All is well, no problems, just burnt the toast”. The voice at the end of the line betrays, I suspect, an overtone of “not again”, but thanks me for letting them know.

The alarm mercifully shuts down as I begin the cleanup process and decide I didn’t need the toast, anyway, and now there’s no cereal left in my plate either. I’ll just make a cuppa tea and clean up afterwards. Oh, no! it was teabags that had to go on that shopping list. Now, where did I put the instant coffee?

I manage to not boil the jug dry and almost enjoy that cup of coffee. So, I sit safely and watch the rain through the window – before I do any more damage! Then, as I go to shower, dress, and make the bed, I’ll think about lunch – and remember to finish that shopping list.

But right now, I’ll just sit. Enjoy that cup of coffee and ponder how lucky I am to be safe and sound and not outside in the cold and wet. But that burnt-bread smell lasts all morning….and a new day has begun!

And grey can be good, too. Even when it’s cold and grey, even old and grey! We do tend to associate greyness with oldness and coldness but, hey, that’s not fair, grey days help us to see and feel the differences in life’s climate. Although we can be ‘blue’ on some grey days that’s alright too, because it helps us anticipate and appreciate the sunny, bright, days, doesn’t it?

When you are feeing sad and not coping very well it’s so easy to slide into depression and a self-defining prophesy, especially when it’s a cloudy day. It’s even worse when you feel cold yourself too, and you just can’t seem to get warm. And more intense, too, if you are also coping with the shifting behaviour of a partner with the dementia we call Alzheimer’s. It’s then that you really might feel in need of a personal climate change!

But coping with change is ‘easier said than done’, isn’t it? Especially when you are both down, the greyness can become darkness and affect others in a family, and beyond. It may be easier to cope with this kind of personal climate distress if we recognise and react just as we would to the weather; perhaps by acknowledging the seasonality of our greyness, simply another period of transition. As we travel through these ups and downs during the seasons of life, there will always be moments of joy as well as sadness. So, we mostly learn to cope. We find ways to face the changes and deal with them and, in that process, discover how to embrace them.

Moving along that pathway takes time, patience, ingenuity, and a prayerful effort but, faced with the confronting reality of a partner’s cognitive disability, acceptance doesn’t have to mean it’s winter forever. In that sort of cold, wet, miserable, wintertime of life, one of the coping strategies is to consider and accept this idea of seasonality – and to look for the Spring and learn the lifestyle and activities that suit the season.

When we can’t go outside for a walk alone or together (the best antidote I know for the blues!) we become ‘adaptable’ and find other activities to share. With some partners there will be ongoing and varied challenges, and I’ve previously written about a variety of appropriate physical activities that might also help with the emotional aspects. Being resourceful will certainly require carers to be mentally nimble and often use some ingenuity; finding a comfortable place to apply both will often actually not be as difficult or as good as a walk in the park!

It’s hard to beat that walk to gently stretch our muscles, cerebral and physical. Personally, even in the winter of our discontent, I still like to walk outside, appropriately rugged up and waterproofed! Although I must admit that sometimes I simply just look out through the window and rejoice at being home, safe and dry!

Life’s like that, eh? Grey day, grey hair, doesn’t matter, we can learn to cope with whatever mother nature throws at us. Might as well make the most of what we have and enjoy the company of others while we can, where we can and while we can.

There could be a bigger storm tomorrow or maybe the sun will shine again! It seems most of us have learnt to live each moment and we don’t waste time still worried about yesterday’s weather. Let’s look around and forward and discover which shade of grey suits you and yours, but remember it doesn’t always stay that colour, so get ready for the sunshine….

Yesterday mattered too, of course, and tomorrow will no doubt be important. But today is probably the day that matters most of all – until tomorrow! Today is the result of all the ‘yesterdays’ that prepared us for the rest of our life.

We meet today’s challenges by using past life experiences and our built-up reserves of mental, physical, and financial resources, discovered and developed as we coped along the way. Confronted with a new problem, those past responses and resources rise to the top of our minds, and we find the best way forward. Maybe it’s not that easy for your partner, though?

Alzheimer’s can cause lots of tricky and sometimes unexpected responses, even to everyday happenings, as you may well have discovered! For example: there’s a coffee spill on the carpet and your partner starts rubbing it in with a tissue; probably not the best response!   So, you get my drift – no doubt you have faced that sort of thing? It’s those unplanned reactions from a partner that can test our resourcefulness…. and patience.

They are the small daily ‘happenings’ that stretch our minds as a Carer. And even minor ones can affect our attitude, our behaviour, and perhaps our temper. Just a simple event can easily develop into a major problem when your partner immediately tackles an activity in an unexpected, maybe even a dangerous, way.

Situations that need an instant solution can easily and quickly become a challenge. Most of the time you will have anticipated and learned the best practical ways to contend with most of those happenings. You will develop strategies, you will learn patience, you will try to keep a clear mind, and you will cope. If things are becoming difficult, tiring, frought, you simply must recognise that you need help. Talk to family, your doctor; check the resources listed on this site. Don’t wait. You are no help if you are stressed and tired.

Being a Carer is a commitment that requires an almost constant focus on the moment. That can mean a high level of alertness and a mindset known by the experts as a ‘coping mechanism’, but everyone knows that it’s otherwise known as ‘love’.

Love is the mighty power that provides, maybe not all the answers, but a goodly portion of the solutions – it’s the ultimate resource, the coping trick that will get you through today. And today, and each new day, may well turn out to be the most important day of your life.

Warm and sunny, cold, and wet, everything shipshape, everything wrong; life is like that. And we just get on with it; usually, or sometimes, finding happiness in just quietly mopping up the spillage with patience and love and a dry cloth.

So, yes, today does matter! Enjoy every moment you can….

Written by Bill, without AI interference – just a spelling check!

I simply typed those three words into ChatGPT and, without any further input from me, the following text appeared on my screen – within only seconds! It provided just a tiny sample of the power of AI and made me aware of the awesome creativity of this modern phenomenon and a glimpse of the potential effects it will have on us. Suddenly, I am now both overawed and scared when I consider some of the power and influences of AI as it rapidly begins to intrude in our lives, hopefully to the benefit of us all.

For my older readers, I repeat, I simply typed those three words to get the response shown below. (It is not edited; it made its own categories and even marked some words in bold typeface!):-

“The caring years” is a phrase many people use to describe the period of life spent looking after someone with a long-term illness, disability, or age-related condition—often a partner, parent, or close family member. In the context of something like Alzheimer’s disease, the caring years can stretch over a long time and tend to evolve in stages:

Early phase:
You may find yourself offering light support—helping with reminders, appointments, or managing finances—while your partner is still largely independent.

Middle phase:
Care becomes more hands-on. You might assist with daily routines, ensure safety, manage medications, and cope with changes in behaviour or memory loss.

Later phase:
Care often becomes intensive, sometimes involving full-time supervision, physical care, and coordination with healthcare providers or residential care services.

What makes the caring years significant

They’re not just about tasks—they’re deeply emotional and can reshape your life:

• A shift from partner to caregiver role
• Feelings of grief, even while the person is still alive
• Fatigue, stress, and sometimes isolation
• But also moments of closeness, meaning, and commitment

A realistic perspective

It’s important to be honest about this period:

• It can be deeply meaningful, but also exhausting and demanding
• Trying to do everything alone usually leads to burnout
• Accepting help early tends to make a big difference

What helps during the caring years

• Building a support network (family, friends, services)
• Learning about the condition so changes are less shocking
• Taking regular breaks (respite care is not a luxury—it’s essential)
• Looking after your own health and identity, not just the caregiving role.

That was the end of the AI response. I am still gobsmacked and just wanted to share it. Of course it lacks the personal touch of my laboured writing, but I’m feeling just a little redundant……What do you think?

How easy it is to sit around and mope (now there’s a word not often heard). When the weather permits, I like to go outside, to walk, to explore, to shop, or just sit in the sun and look, or sit and read! When you are a carer for a partner with Alzheimer’s, the outdoors can be an absolute tonic.

I remember, so well, all the walks I had with my late wife, Dorothy, many on our travels in earlier times, but also the rambles we had in her last years. At first, we were able to talk about what we were seeing – the plants, the birds, the people, the buildings, the traffic, how we felt, and what our friends and families were doing.

Later, the walks were shorter, then wheelchair, then less verbose, more contemplative, but almost as companiable and always so much better than sitting in a Care home, no matter how good. At that time, especially on cold wet, windy days and when ‘outside’ was no longer as permissible because of health concerns, our shared physical activity became even more restricted.

But now, I’m thinking about how we managed when Dorothy was still at home with me, all those years ago. Remembering the outdoor activities that occupied our times together and of the great caravan journeys we enjoyed around this huge continent, and of the walks we did then.

Today I went walking alone and, although rugged-up against the cold south wind, it was invigorating and I came home refreshed and less lonesome. Most activities are always better shared, of course, but walking solo can also be enjoyable and beneficial.

Push your partner’s wheelchair if you have to! In earlier times, I would put the ‘wheely-walker’ in the car boot and set off with Dorothy to one of the nearby parks. Walking hand-to-hand, or with a mobility aid, it doesn’t matter, just being out there is what matters.

The sights of trees and the smells of the bushland or in our marvellous suburban parks: sighting a little bird or a tiny native flower, even negotiating a narrow path, simply adds to the enjoyment, which reminds me about footwear and clothing….

Years ago, I threw out all our laced-shoes and bought well-fitted slip-ons for us both. Bending down is bad enough, but negotiating pesky shoelaces (which can be tripping hazards) is really difficult for one of us, worse when there’s four potential knotty problems!

And as for outdoor clothing, keep it simple: to easily add or remove if the weather changes. I used a tiny foldable backpack when we went on many of our walks, handy for the jackets and the folding umbrella!

Going out to concerts and movies did become problematic and lost its charm. But going ‘out’ also included drives to nearby hills and beaches for coffee and walks on the sand. Even where walking was not possible, watching the seaside frivolity of others was always fun.

When planning outings a crucial factor is to know where there are accessible toilets – and there’s an “App” for that: National Public Toilet Map app | Australian Government Department of Health, Disability and Ageing

Also very helpful: WheelMelb – Accessible Map for Melbourne

Sharing activities together outdoors is always special – and those times remain memorable. Maybe that’s why I am keen to keep travelling but, whilst it’s not always much fun being alone, there’s no doubt we all love being out in the fresh air, in our great Aussie outdoors!