How easy it is to sit around and mope (now there’s a word not often heard). When the weather permits, I like to go outside, to walk, to explore, to shop, or just sit in the sun and look, or sit and read! When you are a carer for a partner with Alzheimer’s, the outdoors can be an absolute tonic.

I remember, so well, all the walks I had with my late wife, Dorothy, many on our travels in earlier times, but also the rambles we had in her last years. At first, we were able to talk about what we were seeing – the plants, the birds, the people, the buildings, the traffic, how we felt, and what our friends and families were doing.

Later, the walks were shorter, then wheelchair, then less verbose, more contemplative, but almost as companiable and always so much better than sitting in a Care home, no matter how good. At that time, especially on cold wet, windy days and when ‘outside’ was no longer as permissible because of health concerns, our shared physical activity became even more restricted.

But now, I’m thinking about how we managed when Dorothy was still at home with me, all those years ago. Remembering the outdoor activities that occupied our times together and of the great caravan journeys we enjoyed around this huge continent, and of the walks we did then.

Today I went walking alone and, although rugged-up against the cold south wind, it was invigorating and I came home refreshed and less lonesome. Most activities are always better shared, of course, but walking solo can also be enjoyable and beneficial.

Push your partner’s wheelchair if you have to! In earlier times, I would put the ‘wheely-walker’ in the car boot and set off with Dorothy to one of the nearby parks. Walking hand-to-hand, or with a mobility aid, it doesn’t matter, just being out there is what matters.

The sights of trees and the smells of the bushland or in our marvellous suburban parks: sighting a little bird or a tiny native flower, even negotiating a narrow path, simply adds to the enjoyment, which reminds me about footwear and clothing….

Years ago, I threw out all our laced-shoes and bought well-fitted slip-ons for us both. Bending down is bad enough, but negotiating pesky shoelaces (which can be tripping hazards) is really difficult for one of us, worse when there’s four potential knotty problems!

And as for outdoor clothing, keep it simple: to easily add or remove if the weather changes. I used a tiny foldable backpack when we went on many of our walks, handy for the jackets and the folding umbrella!

Going out to concerts and movies did become problematic and lost its charm. But going ‘out’ also included drives to nearby hills and beaches for coffee and walks on the sand. Even where walking was not possible, watching the seaside frivolity of others was always fun.

When planning outings a crucial factor is to know where there are accessible toilets – and there’s an “App” for that: National Public Toilet Map app | Australian Government Department of Health, Disability and Ageing

Also very helpful: WheelMelb – Accessible Map for Melbourne

Sharing activities together outdoors is always special – and those times remain memorable. Maybe that’s why I am keen to keep travelling but, whilst it’s not always much fun being alone, there’s no doubt we all love being out in the fresh air, in our great Aussie outdoors!

How do you manage now that your partner has Alzheimer’s? Most days pass sweetly and happily but on others it will be a struggle to find a shared activity. Those may be challenging days but they are, nevertheless, precious times when we need to find different ways to share, to enjoy, and love, together.

Alzheimer’s manifests itself in different and often progressive ways in different people, so it’s difficult for me to generalise when I’m sometimes asked: “How do I stay ‘connected’, what can we do together when my partner often seems remote and aimless?”.

You would think that after living together for many years, we’d all know the answer. But Alzheimer’s changes the way we share our lives together, and we need to be resourceful and innovative as we face that unexpected, ongoing challenge.

So, we look for new ways to stimulate this happy partnership, to continue living happily together with less stress; to enjoy our time together while we can. At the request of one of my readers, I will list some ideas I used to pursue that bliss when Dorothy was still at home with me.

Depending upon the nature and severity of your partner’s condition, some of the following activities may not be appropriate, but I hope some may stimulate your creative mind….

1. Crossword puzzles. There are also large-print books with various levels of complexity (answers at the back!). From Newsagents/Post Offices.
2. Word/Picture puzzle books, large A4 size. From Newsagents, etc.
3. Jigsaw puzzles. Available with large pieces & can be borrowed from Libraries.
4. Draughts or other board games, or lots of Playing Card games.
5. Available with large Tile size. Scrabble can also be played, simply, without a board on a tabletop, making words in any direction. (Dorothy and used this method for years!)
6. Picture colouring books, A4 size or larger format, using a ‘colour pencil set’ not paints (both from ‘Dollar’ shops).
7. Drawing & colouring freehand on larger paper (from ‘Dollar’ shops).
8. Puzzle books, some in large format, just need a pencil (from ‘Dollar’ shops).
9. Some house cleaning, safely, with a cordless lightweight sweeper. Some dusting, cleaning mirrors. Plumping/refilling/changing cushions, pillows.
10. Knitting, simple, hand-sized squares, progressively – to later sew together as a throw-rug. Scrounge oddment wools from friends or unravel old jumpers.
11. Simple embroidery or other needle or craft work, with care, until dexterity, eyesight, concentration, and perseverance changed and needlework became too difficult.
12. Paper folding/cutting with round-nosed scissors, was popular. Making a scrap book was more problematic, but worth a try for a while. Consider using old photos or books/magazines as a source of pictures.
13. Some laundry jobs. Washing clothing by hand worked well for a while, but inattention caused some inefficiencies! Hanging out the washing on a line was a happy joint effort. Definitely don’t use a tumble-drier for safety/burn reasons.
14. Folding clothes after laundry, e.g. small items, underwear, handkerchiefs, pillow slips, socks. But never ironing!
15. Floral work (care with knives and shears). Arranging posies/choosing vases. Caring for them during the week, e.g. deadheading, trimming, checking water.
16. Using an iPad. Fantastic for simple games. Other uses if appropriate, such as colouring using a stylus; also reading (ability to change font size), watching, movies, listening to music. A very versatile device.
17. Reading books (also me reading aloud) and/or using a Book Reader (e.g. Kindle) and using large print books or ‘talking books’ as appropriate. Speak with your local Librarian, visit the library to discover activities there, too.
18. Read a daily or local newspaper or magazine, together. Pick it up and read a different part later in the day (sadly no funnies or cartoon comics for a laugh these days!)
19. Simply listening to music. Radio ABC has various options. I used a little Bluetooth speaker for portability, e.g. any room, or out on the patio in the sun (We were known to dance a little when some tunes were playing!).
20. I suggest NO cooking. After our experience of boiling a pot dry and nearly causing a fire on an electric hotplate. Sharp knives and pointy scissors are a no-no. and maybe store them specially. Maybe icing a bought sponge cake might be possible. Help with washing dishes and drying-up was always welcomed. Otherwise, the kitchen was a ‘no-go’ area after a flood from a tap left running! BTW, If your hot water heater allows it (mine did), lower the temperature setting to avoid scalds.
21. Make use of a Podiatrist and a Manicurist. Inept nail cutting can cause infections that neither of you need.
22. TV. Find a channel that plays your partner’s favourite old series, even if it’s a ‘pay’ channel. Familiarity with characters from earlier days helps and, I can tell you, the absence of ‘extremism’ of current shows is more calming!
23. Sorting through old possessions, knickknacks, souvenirs, photos.

Readers might like to write to me with suggestions for other indoor activities?

I’ll list some Outdoor activities in a later chapter, as I’ve ‘overrun’ here!

I know, that seems like a strange topic so soon after Christmas, but I was feeling a bit ‘down’ today (know the feeling?) and seasonality just came to mind. I was actually thinking more about our ‘Life’ seasons and their unpredictability, just like the weather.

Living in Melbourne, we’ve all become accustomed to experiencing four seasons in a day: not unusual to have heavy rain in Summer and warm sunny days in winter! If it’s just an ordinary terrestrial weather event, we simply adjust – we use a brolly, we put on warm clothes, or we strip off and have a swim. Yet some of us often grizzle about the unseasonable weather. It’s sometimes just as difficult to predict when our own ‘personal-world climate’ will change.

Those of us who’ve experienced a partner with Alzheimer’s may well have learned about what I’ll call ‘personal winter days’ when our partner sometimes behaves strangely out of the blue – our own real ‘personal climate change’  that results in an unexpected and maybe prolonged change to your lifestyle; perhaps a change or an event that may have been brewing for a while or, sadly, brought on quickly by an unforeseen illness or accident.

Such an ongoing personality change that become obvious, to either or both partners, could have been triggered by an unpleasant personal or family disruption, but also by a host of other reasons…. If you suspect a marked change or pattern in your partner’s behaviour it is vital you talk about it confidentially within the family and with your doctor. It’s never too early for that personal conversation.

Coping with Alzheimer’s is not just like being caught out in a hailstorm or being overdressed on an unexpected hot day. All your carefully thought-out plans for the day, the year, indeed your life, can become totally disrupted, or at least rearranged. Your life’s season could be completely out of whack, and you didn’t even bring your brolly!

Somehow, definitely with some help, we learn to adapt; we discover new ways forward. It may mean adopting new roles in our partnership and learning new strategies to manage a new, different, lifestyle – ways we hadn’t bargained for! It will be a time to learn new coping methods, new ways of loving and living, that are absolutely vital to keep a happy relationship going forward.

So, let me reassure you: you will learn to adjust, despite the personal climate change forecast! Those long, dark nights and the debilitating days with unexpected, strange, and stressful times will need to be managed carefully, but ultimately accepted as part of life’s seasonality. The night hours will pass, the day will dawn and, like many others, you will find ways of coping with this changed seasonality, this new reality.

Sad, dreary nights and days are not the ones to focus on. It’s trite, but true, that adversity can be viewed like a glass half-empty – but let me encourage you to keep your mind and efforts focussed on the half that’s full and live it as well as we can.

So, take heart, if you are coping with prolonged ill-health or other problems. I hope you, too, will find a way to bring some sunshine back into your life……even when it isn’t the season to be jolly!

How easy is it to take anything, or everything, for granted? Friendship, love, health, wealth, food, shelter – and a bed to sleep in. These are just a few aspects of our way of life here in Australia, yet many people here and in other countries are not able to take those basic needs for granted.

Every day in the news we are reminded of people who cannot enjoy those comfortable lifestyles in so many countries throughout the world – and even in our own community – people who are victims of misfortunes entirely or principally not of their own doing. Of course there are also those who, by their own actions, are destitute or discontented, even angry, friendless and financially distraught, and it’s sometimes hard for me to be sympathetic for such people in their self-imposed misery. But, despite those feelings, I also recognise that some of that distress is a direct result of domestic violence, or some other undisclosed home disturbances.

There are a myriad of organisations involved in assisting these disrupted families and troubled individuals and I am in awe of the volunteers and professionals who try to help. And there are surely even more victims of domestic violence and neglect which is silently suffered and unreported for a whole raft of reasons. Sadly, I suspect, some partners will accept all manner of bad behaviour and cruelty as inevitable, just something to be endured as ‘normal’, and that is so sad.

Which leads me to comment that, personally, I am distressed at the large number of prime-time television dramas and movies that increasingly depict, and depend upon, protagonists portrayed as living a normal life yet are entirely enmeshed in violent behaviour. What’s equally disturbing is the use of disrespectful (colourful?) language – all as though it is the normal state of domestic life.

Despite those gripes about TV topics, I am grateful to be able to share some of my good fortune, my blessings, and my hard-won financial resources to alleviate just a small part of the distress in our community. Fortunately, I learned frugality during my somewhat fragmented, early, years which has been central to my adult life and now allows some flexibility in how I spend the savings in my remaining years. Building those emotional and financial resources and reserves has enabled me to ride the rough waves during the years until Alzheimer’s claimed the life of my dear Dorothy. Savings which now enable me to be helpful and more sharing to those whose lives have been disrupted by illness, separation, or personal disasters.

So, apart from my plea to screenwriters to depict less violence and extremism in ‘entertainment’, today’s message is, equally importantly, a reminder to all of us to not take our peaceful and comfortable lives as a given. To remember to support, when we can, those who are less comfortable through no fault of their own and, crucially, to take nothing we have for granted!

Are you even a bit scared? A few years ago, I used to worry that perhaps Dorothy was scared, too. But I don’t think she was. Even when I tentatively first introduced her to being with others a bit like herself at a day centre; or even when she finally moved to a full-time care home, living apart from me. She was, in the main, always calm and at ease wherever she was.

But I was scared when that moment of separation came. What if the care home staff are negligent (we’d all seen news items of mistreatment in past times)? What if there are conflicts with other residents, what if, what if……? The doubts all but consumed me. How was I going to cope, to not have my sweetheart of decades living with me?

Looking back now, a widower for over four years, I realize just how stressed I was during the years leading up to and including her stay in full-time care. In those years there were times when for almost every waking moment I was in a constant alert state, watching, waiting, listening, helping, trying to converse, striving to be present, to be loving and caring – no wonder I was always tired! Our children, all married with their own families were always supportive and, with local council help, we managed to stay together in the earlier stages of Dorothy’s Alzheimer’s. Neither of us had ever envisioned being separated, we expected to stay together, happy in our comfortable retirement village until at least one of us died. I didn’t see the signs…. And because, at first, we did cope and later with some home help.

Finally, after some nasty falls, blackouts and brief hospital stays, it was time to accept that Dorothy needed more care than I could cope with. And so began the next phase of my “journey of care”.

That meant evaluation visits to nearby care homes, analyses of costs and our resources, seeking opinions from friends, reading brochures and articles, imagining different scenarios. Then the next process of options, of elimination and finally the choice of a care home. Ultimately, I needed the advice and help of a specialist to take me through the financial and paperwork involved with the care home, the government departments, the bank. All this forward planning is a daunting task, especially when you are not exactly rich, you’re ageing, confused, tired and bewildered, just as I was!

But take heart, dear reader, with the right help it is possible to travel the long ‘journey of care’, a road not without some rough patches. I can only strongly recommend you seek some expert help, as I did.

Thank goodness I wasn’t personally alone or lost very often – I have my faith, I have my family, my friends and neighbours and an excellent care home where Dorothy spent her final years. All that remains now is for me to accept this new phase of life, to be thankful and strengthened by the years past and to look forward to seeing our family grow.

The mental and monetary reserves we build by our efforts can certainly be depleted quickly in later years and we all learn to take nothing for granted. But always, in my case, the love and support of my extended family and good mates has endured and enabled me to weather life’s storms and stresses. Now in these later, single years, I can reflect and enjoy each new day and look forward to some fun tomorrow. How good is that!

So, dear reader, take heart: seize the day and love it. Make the most of your available resources, take nothing for granted and, importantly, don’t look back too hard, certainly not in anger!

“Carpe diem” is what the oldies said, and “sufficient unto the day”. We’ll I try to keep those words in mind as we start this New Year……

It comes around quicker each year! And that’s not such a bad thing because it means we have been busy and the time just slipped by and we might even have achieved something with all that busyness! Certainly, the shopping spree at this time of the year keeps many people on the run.

For mature-aged people like me there is no longer a frantic need to shop for cards and stamps and presents and wrapping paper or indeed making lists of people and presents. Finally, I am at the stage of life where ‘gifting’ is not an issue, neither the intricacies of selecting and matching gifts nor the dilemma of disposing of unwanted gifts after the event!

My family is sensible and mostly adopt the ‘Kris Kringle’ method. They set a small monetary limit on gift value and, after a ballot, each person buys only one present for another family member. Sometimes there’s discussion between the two parties, but usually some innovative useful gifts emerge from the wrappings on Christmas morning. The money and heartache saved can then, voluntarily, be used as donations to worthy causes, whether local or for international relief.

It is also the time of year when we can all take stock of where we are, and how we are, and what we can do for ourselves and for others in the coming year/s. Certainly, I need to do just that, taking into account the level of my health and wealth, my ability (or need) to keep driving, and how best to manage my life, my domestic needs and my location. That’s all a bit confronting but face it I must while I am still (somewhat) in control!

So, at this time of year, others like me are also considering their lifestyle, their location, changing health, and future needs. It can be a bit distressing to acknowledge our vulnerabilities, but I’ve made a small start in transitioning to a different life profile; one that recognises no more driving, no more easy instant decisions to go there, or visit there, or look at something necessitating a car journey. Bus passes, taxis, trains, trams, lifts with friends all loom large in next year’s experiences, even if my health still permits!

So, you see, it’s not just a time of year for choosing gifts! For me, and for many like me, it’s also a time to stop and think about the results of my chosen, continuing, lifestyle; the impact that more of the same will have on my friends and family, on their love and concern and my fervent hope not to become a burden.

So, that was my Christmas thinking as I started writing this message but now, well, it all seems like doom and gloom – and that is not what I wanted to write about! It was, and still is, to wish my readers a happy time of Christian good tidings and a Happy (and well-managed) New Year!

How easy is it to take anything, or everything, for granted? Friendship, love, health, wealth, food, shelter – and a bed to sleep in. These are just a few aspects of our local way of life; yet many folk are not able to take them for granted.

Daily we are reminded of people in this world, even in our own community, who are the victims of misfortunes entirely or principally not of their own doing. Of course, there are also many who, by their own actions, are destitute or discontented, even angry and friendless and financially distraught. It’s hard for me to be sympathetic for such people in self-imposed depression, and I am in awe of the volunteers and professionals who try to help them, many of whom, I suspect, have taken too much for granted….

I am grateful to be able to share some of my good fortune, my blessings, and my hard-won financial resources to alleviate some distress in our community. I learned frugality during my early, somewhat fragmented years which has been central to my adult life and which now allows me some flexibility in how I spend my remaining years. Building emotional and financial reserves has enabled me to ride the rough waves of the recent years when Alzheimer’s claimed the life of my dear Dorothy.

The mental and monetary reserves we build by our efforts can certainly be depleted quickly and we all learn to take nothing for granted. But always, in my case, the love and support of my extended family and good mates has endured and enabled me to weather life’s storms and stresses. Now in my later, single years, I can reflect and enjoy each new day and look forward to some fun tomorrow. How good is that!

So, dear reader, take heart: seize the day and love it. Make the most of your available resources, take nothing for granted and, importantly, don’t look back too hard, certainly not in anger!

“Carpe diem” is what the oldies said, and “sufficient unto the day”; so I try to keep those words in mind……

Motivation is the driving force, but it’s dead in the water if it isn’t activated. And sometimes what’s missing, for me anyway, is that stimulus for action – the trigger that gets things started. Many of us on our life journeys have experienced a vast array of stimuli, wanted or unwanted, that have sparked us from a lethargy and set us on a journey along a variety of pathways. In our later years, that journey has often been unplanned and sometimes perplexing. Surely a good rest will re-activate us?

Even when we are resting our minds are often working hard. Try as we might, it’s often hard to change our thoughts and when we try to sleep the old brainbox is often still working overtime, sifting through the alternate solutions to a myriad of personal, or imagined or global problems, over and over. Personally, I have a method that helps, I pray. It helps me to sift and evaluate the important stuff and to reorder my mind in a positive way; to analyse, identify and focus on what’s affecting me and, indeed, the world!

There’s no doubt I’m not alone when I sometimes forget things that need, or should, be done. It’s even harder if you are caring for someone who is depending upon you (whether they realise it or not). So, I’m especially thinking today about the carers who are managing two lives (and maybe more) in a family where Alzheimer’s is present and whose minds are sometimes actively working in top gear and ever alert… But now, for me, being alone is easier – although the flip-side of easier is idleness, and that sometimes leads to depression and feeling miserable. Know what I mean?

And there’s yet another angle affecting we older folk, and that’s mobility. Many of my friends who have difficulty moving their bodies, who can’t walk far unaided, who can’t get up and go, have this activation/motivation restriction. Amazingly, they all have found ways to recover, or maintain, a degree of flexibility and dexterity with mind-active activities: creative hobbies, reading, studying, listening to interviews and books, writing, playing a musical instrument, or card and mind games with a friend. I am always amazed to hear how my non-physically active friends remain so alert and enjoy their lives, despite an infirmity, and their positivity encourages me.

Whether it’s mind or body, or both, our health and wellbeing will be activated when we develop a technique that delivers a sense of satisfaction. Some of us maintain that equilibrium using social encounter and some by willpower but, when that doesn’t work, we need to be practical and find other methods, and prayer is the great stimulus for me. There is some truth in the old adage of “Mind over matter”, and I mind, because others matter.

Perhaps you have your own special method of self-activation, of beating the blues? How about you drop me a line and share it?

That expression was commonly heard in our early married years when it meant trying to pay all our everyday living expenses out of one wage. Must look it up on google sometime but, for us and our growing family, it meant stretching our available money to cover our ever-growing costs.

These days, it means more like finishing the job, closing off the circle, seeing the job finished, and that seems a more positive way to view it: “All done and dusted, sit back and enjoy a ringside seat”. Unfortunately, that happy state can’t be shared by those still in the workforce or by housebound carers. I learned in my early married life, and still appropriate, was how to be ‘thrifty’ (that’s another word to look up!).

Sometimes when I visit a shopping centre, I see a lot of money being spent on ‘things’ that are (what I consider) inessential junk; not just food, or even luxury items, but ‘stuff’, items that are really junky plastic, ephemeral, pieces with no long-term useful lives. Yes, I know – we all need some little extras in our life if we can manage it. What I see shoppers carrying, though, is a predominance of junk. Excessive quantities of short-lived items, many with a difficult end-of life disposal problem.

Of course, we all crave our individuality, but it does seem a little over-the-top to see the extent of plastic packaging around so many individual items. It can genuinely protect the contents from physical damage for for health and sanitation purposes, and also enhance the look of the product. Sadly, though, a good deal of packaging is to prevent shoplifting and/or to enforce a multiple purchase. Some packaging is also oversized to trick us into thinking the contents are larger.

Much of the packaging is simply for marketing, to sell more of something, to maybe sell a product we might not have even considered buying. Yes, I am guilty, too of impulse buying, but not often – I’m too mean with my money! The evidence of overspending and over-use of packaging is everywhere…. I see it strewn alongside the paths as I walk. I see it in the overstuffed garbage bins in parks and outside houses on pickup days, and around the overfilled public bins at bus-stops.

Apart from avoiding over-packaged goods, we can all try to be careful in our buying habits and thoughtful in how we dispose, re-use, re-cycle, or re-purpose all that packaging that passes through our hands. Making ends meet can mean more if we consciously avoid overpacked goods and dispose of unwanted packaging thoughtfully. Like many of my readers, I try to keep my rubbishy footprint as small as I can manage. Consider contacting suppliers, too, and voicing your opposition to unnecessary, ineffective, or excessive packaging. Let’s please, ‘make ends meet’ – close the circle whenever and however we can and be an environmental carer.

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By the way, if you are also a person carer…

….you can find information about caring for someone living with dementia on the Family, Friends and Carers page at this website Home | Dementia Australia
Dementia Australia’s Younger Onset Dementia Guide is the go-to resource for people living with younger onset dementia (diagnosed before the age of 65) as well as their carers and family.

“She’ll be right mate”. We all like things to be right, and what’s right for some will be wrong for others. Life is full of contrasts, options, and decisions. Whether by choice or fate, we live our lives in an environment of constant flux.

Confronted with new circumstances and challenges every day, we constantly develop our own strategies to cope with them. Sometimes our surroundings and our environment changes because we initiate the difference; at other times we have no choice. But we do find solutions – or adapt – in the best way we know.

That’s because, in the main, we are cool, calm, and collected and can overcome our day-to-day problems quickly, and usually effectively, almost without thought. Of course, we’ve all made hasty decisions too and, most times, we get it right. From an early age we learned to size things up and find a solution. Normally there is time to think things through before we act. How different it is for a person with Alzheimer’s when indecision and wrong decision often dominate!

If we are reasonably agile and healthy we can normally cope with our regular personal tasks automatically. Of course, I will admit that my own mundane choices for what to wear, clean, buy, or cook – or even eat, can sometimes overwhelm me! I’m guessing that at least some of my readers will identify with those occasional glitches and agree that it’s safe to claim them as ‘normal’ – and have a laugh at ourselves.

It all depends on frequency. Lapses of memory, occasional temper tantrums, strange decisions, disturbed sleep, language problems, melancholy moodiness, are just some of the ordinary aspects of life that manifest themselves in us all at some time, hopefully briefly. However, when you see them repeatedly in your partner, please do something about it. Don’t, as I once did, think everything is ‘as right as rain’ and adjust your life to cope with those constant behavioural ‘oddities’.

The weather in Melbourne is somewhat unpredictable, so we have learned to adapt and cope with it. And our personal and our partner’s behaviour is normally and reasonably also foreseeable. But, if their daily lifetime reactions are erratic and often random, it’s time to check the ‘personal’ forecast! When indecision, or wrong-decisions, unusual reactions and memory distortions frequently dominate your partner’s behaviour it could be an alert or a pointer to a health problem, and a possibility of Alzheimer’s.

So, if you see those personal storm clouds gathering, if you sense a serious difference in your partner’s weather pattern, do something about it. At least talk to your doctor.

Don’t wait till it rains to buy an umbrella. And you’ll need more than an umbrella if a storm breaks….