Means keeping your eye on the ball, watching what you and others are doing. Being alert about the overview, the big picture. That’s oversight. It’s what we do when we are caring for a loved one whose unpredictable actions might cause harm to themselves or someone else. It’s what you do when you are a carer for a partner living with Alzheimer’s; when you need to be full-time-eyes-open for behaviour or actions that could hurt.

But there is another sort of oversight: the one that results when we fail to do something – or do it wrongly. That kind of oversight is usually forgivable: a lapse with little or no consequence. It can happen when we fail to notice something or some action. Most often we can shrug it off, no harm done.

But every now and then an oversight, despite our best intentions, can have unintended consequences, especially at a personal level. It can be embarrassing or may inadvertently disclose confidential information. It can be as simple as asking an inappropriate question or making an unguarded comment at the wrong time or, indeed, at any time. And I’m not immune to such indiscretions, despite my best efforts. Does that sound familiar? Am I alone?

Such an oversight (or really, lack of care) happened to me recently and caused me and an email recipient a high degree of embarrassment and stress. Using ‘Reply’ I included a lengthy epistle about my recent travels, then carelessly (for convenience!) added a raft of family names as cc’s to my reply. That would have been fine had I initiated the first email. But now the string of earlier, confidential, messages from the original writer was all still there. My lengthy text had simply pushed the original messages out of sight down the screen, for all to see!

A few seconds after I hit that ‘Send’ button there was no going back! I had, however unintentionally, exposed to others who had no right to know, the confidential information my friend had sent me. I was devastated. Too late. The damage done, and my immediate heartfelt apology has not healed that breach. My careless use of ‘cc’ now remains with me, and my remorse will continue.

I do hope my readers will learn from that experience and think carefully before sending inappropriate email copies of replies to others not included earlier!

Today’s lesson to self: When I write these epistles, I write once and read thrice before posting. But with personal emails from now onwards, I now do the same and only hit ‘Send’ after I check that the contents are appropriate to recipients!

I’ll try to keep an oversight and avoid oversights…..

Moving, travelling, or just getting around, for most of us, is easy. But for some older people and those with a physical disability it’s often difficult, indeed well-nigh impossible. Fortunately, these days there are many clever devices to assist us move about more safely. And, when we are out and about, there’s better signage, clearer footpaths, safer, well-lit pedestrian crossings and some buses even have a step-lowering feature to enable safer entry.

“Variety is the spice of life” and so we all try to get out and about while we can. Luckily, in Melbourne, the weather is usually mild enough for us to go walking (or mobile-chairing) almost every day, year-round and I walk and travel around as much as I can, while I can. There will come a time when being active outside is not an option; we all need to “make hay while the sun shines”!

Being active outside is easier if we are able to use a walking-stick when walking is safe and comfortable. Many of us can also still drive safely, albeit with some distance restrictions, or are able to use public transport to close-by places where there are paved and pleasant walks. If you have a motorised chair, use it to get out into some fresh air whenever you can; perhaps to simply explore your neighbourhood streets, homes, and gardens.

Retaining mobility does require effort and a degree of discipline and regularity is important to maintain the flexibility and strength of our muscles and tendons. We all know friends of our age who have had falls or operations and who, after a period of time in bed, need many months of physio to regain their mobility. Safety and stability needs to be our motto when walking and being mobile, especially outside. Pace yourself, be careful!

So, here are my two rules: first, use a walking stick at all times outside home; the second is don’t walk where it’s rough underfoot, keep to the paved tracks.

And here’s a tip to get your mileage up: when you are supermarket shopping, even for just the milk, use one of their trolleys for an ‘exercise’ stroll around the store! And, if you have a mobile phone, you should be using it to track and monitor your daily walking activity, too.

Main thing is to walk! It’s good for muscles, circulation, breathing, and appetite – and it’s free. You can tell I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my older, chair-bound friends and how restrictive that must be for them, and that’s my spur to keep moving safely while I can, weather and health permitting! But, when walking stops being an option, mobility aids and fresh air are the next best options!

So, off I go, walking stick in hand, hat on head, phone in pocket (and don’t forget keys!) for a stroll along the freeway path. Pausing awhile to watch the bulldozers as they build new laneways for more cars and renew and enhance our walking tracks.

.…saves nine. Some of my readers will recognise that old adage, for those who don’t, it simply means it’s better to address problems early, before the damage worsens. I guess it stems from the times when a frayed garment was best repaired before it completely fell apart. Like, ‘I must darn my socks before the big toe gets strangled”. You get the idea: don’t let things escalate before you act.

It was a bit like that as Alzheimer’s was taking hold of my late wife, all those years ago. I should have recognised the symptoms earlier, but my vision was clouded by love – and denial. I suspect we all have a selective and biased acceptance of truth, as well as convenient memory blockages. Sometimes we react unpredictably, conveniently rationalise, or are inconsistent and erratic in our own behaviour: that’s just part of growing older, isn’t it?

Should I have seen Dorothy’s dementia coming? Would there have been a difference to our lives had I spotted it earlier? I have often thought about that……

I did recognise that I needed to be more tolerant, more patient and forgiving, and to find better ways to cope with our different perspectives and actions. I stumbled my way into adapting to a new way of living – together and yet apart – without conflict. At first, I often blamed myself for forgetting to share and explain every detail of what had been planned for today, next week, or whenever. Perhaps it was my defective memory; maybe I had just taken ‘something’ for granted, then made allowances for us both. Rationalising every aspect along the way.

Now, years later, I’ll admit I didn’t always see or understand those early behaviour and relationship changes – nor their permanency. Nevertheless, we both instinctively adapted in many positive ways and there were lots of good times. But I hasten to caution that our story, our relationship, and reactions, may be entirely different to your lived experience; if you have some doubts about your relationship don’t wait – make a start to get help!

At first, I was blissfully unaware of the early, subtle, changes affecting us both. In some strange ways, our attempts to cope often brought us closer together. But there were times when I couldn’t or wouldn’t see what was happening, times when we were both pig-headed, contrary, argumentative, even a little aggressive. Gradually, I learned to be more patient and when to keep the right emotional distance. And that kept our love alive, but not kicking!

The balance between our thinking, planning, noting, remembering, and doing, was often befuddled; but the penny eventually drops. It wasn’t just me! I reluctantly accepted there were not only inconsistent behavioural patterns by my partner but also differences in my own reactions which could have worsened the outcomes.

At that point, life for both of us had changed, and kept changing! They were times of learning, understanding, and adapting; of getting on with life differently, often with various levels of stress for us both. It was also a time for deepening forgiveness and love. It’s when I finally accepted the reality of the ever-changing relationship along our journey and really started learning to cope with a new, different, partnership model.

I reckon there were lots of ‘stitches in time’ made in those earlier years! So, if your partner’s responses are changing, be aware; talk to your doctor in private, talk to your family as appropriate and, if you are like me, you’ll be prayerful, and remember ‘A stitch in time…..’

Do you ever wonder where the time went? How on earth did we manage to stay afloat during those working years? And now we’re retired, well the time just flies… sometimes not enough minutes in the day!

If your partner is in care as my Dorothy was for a while now some years back, you will know all the time you spend travelling there, visiting, then all the way back home and the loneliness that follows, back home, alone. Then wondering what to do first…make the bed, do the washing-up, do the laundry or, heaven forbid, wipe the accumulated dust off everything in the house! Even thinking about what to do about a meal is difficult – and you’re out of milk, and, and….

But now there’s just me. No more daily visits. And I’ve learned how to adapt to that state, almost. As for busyness, well, I’ve substituted visiting Dorothy by calling in on as many ‘shut-ins’ as I know. Even those numbers are now dwindling, but there are still plenty to keep me busy. All lovely people, friends I’ve met over time, who are now in assisted living places. Come to think of it, I’m also gratefully living in a minor assisted style, but still in our most recent marital home, a gated suburban estate and, at present, reasonably active.

In fact, it is hard, sometimes, to keep track of my activities! I wonder how my older friends manage? It took me a while to master the ‘Calendar’ app on my phone, but without it I would be lost (in time!). That app is replicated on my laptop and my iPad. It’s like magic: when I make an entry in one of those devices, all three get updated! But, and there is a caveat, it requires me to actually enter the information, and sometimes I forget to do that! Which means I can miss an event; an embarrassment that can be critical and costly, like a dental or medical appointment!

Don’t laugh now, but I confess to also having an old-fashioned “week to a page” handwritten diary always open on the kitchen bench. It can be tricky when I scribble an entry there and forget to update my electronic diary, so I try to be meticulous about adding it to everything! I have a few fortnightly and monthly commitments and it’s so good to enter the information once and have them ‘auto inserted’ to the forward dates in the calendar app. It is so useful to look at a date, weeks ahead, see something already entered, and know to not schedule another event that day.

So, yes, most of my days, I’m busy (often reading or dozing) but, ask me what I’m doing next week and, if I can find my phone and remember what that calendar icon looks like… well, then I can tell you what I’m up to on that day. But please don’t ask me when I’m busy…….

Or is it ‘aging’ in place? Either spelling is correct, apparently. But we know what it means, don’t we? No matter how it’s spelt, sorry, spelled, we know that ageing in place means growing old gracefully and remaining in the family home. But there may come a time when one partner dies or has to move in to care because of a medical condition or Alzheimer’s. It follows that one partner is left at home alone – often in a house on a suburban block. And that partner in that lonely scenario, depending upon their age and health, in trying to fend for themselves, may become part of a further difficult domestic and family dilemma.

The partner remaining at home, probably a suburban house, as well as travel to visit their partner, will still have the everyday care and maintenance of their property. Dealing with the outside of the building and land, alone is a big job! Then there’s the inside cleaning, laundering, personal care, and clothing choices. Not to mention the household shopping, healthy meals, maybe medication, and the travel involved in visiting the partner in care. If it’s the man left at home, there’s a good chance they will be of a generation when mum did the cooking and cleaning while dad went off to work! Whatever the case, the partner now at home may also have indifferent health and that, of course, will compound the problem.

Having family on hand to guide and to research home assistance options will be invaluable, but it’s not always available. Maybe my links could help: https://eldermost.net/links-to-useful-sites/

As time goes by, a person living alone in a suburban home without appropriate and specific help will eventually not be able to manage to care and maintain themselves and their home. One answer will be for them to also move into care. Or perhaps it’s possible to provide free or cheap accommodation to someone in return for basic personal and/or home care – but be careful about going down that road, there are some legal, contractual and insurance aspects to consider! Maybe family could build a ‘granny flat’ in their backyard? See, there are lots of options……

However, the more likely outcome will be for the remaining partner to stay too long in the family home then finally, reluctantly, move to a ‘care home’ – perhaps requiring the family home to be sold under duress. Just finding an ‘appropriate nursing home’ is a process fraught with complexities for an older person and will need lots of help from family and certainly from experts. See: https://eldermost.net/you-could-start-here/

Over time I have discovered, in my personal visits to friends now mostly in nursing homes, we all leave it too late to move into a ‘retirement village’. I get it, there are sentimental reasons to stay put in the familiar family home; but don’t! The best time to make the move is, without doubt, before you or your partner become frail! The transition is easier when you do it soon after retirement (I know a couple who happily did it before they turned sixty). You will love the newfound freedom from house maintenance, neighbourhood issues and property worries. A retirement village is more secure, and you can go off on a holiday or visit the kids any time! Personally, I made the move just about five years too late!

So, today’s message is don’t procrastinate, and:

• Start decluttering your home, early, say when you are sixty years!
• Start planning to move, now, while you are not under pressure.
• Move when you are young enough to enjoy a long and healthy retirement in a “village” (near where you currently live is a great idea), free of property and maintenance worries.
• If you have family, start talking to them about this, now, while you still have your health and wits about you!

It isn’t being alone that affects me. It’s being lonely. There is a difference. And I’m not sure I can explain that difference! For some years during the time when my wife, Dorothy, was developing her Alzheimer’s affliction and until her death we were precluded from meaningful dialogue and meaningful activities. During those twilight years and even now I continue to feel, as many of my older readers will understand, the loss of her companionship and our ability to share experiences. That feeling of loneliness is heightened in the evenings and the nights and, dare I say it, often during the day. But, having been an only child, I guess I can cope with being alone perhaps better than many others who have lost a partner.

I have reverted, so to speak, to an acceptance of this singleness, to this newish state of being alone. And strangely, most of the time, that adaptation is OK. But I am lonely, often. Sometimes, pathologically lonely, if there is such a thing. Times when I just want to shrivel up and disappear; times when I don’t want to go to bed; times when I don’t want to get up in the morning; sometimes for days on end. But, and here’s the good part: I know how to beat it (most of the time). Everyone will have their own ways of coping with depression. I have no quick fix, but I do have some of my own ‘coping’ methods.

I’ve mentioned it before, but for me, prayer is one of the keys to regaining a sense of normality. Other techniques, just simple activities, and in no particular order, are reading, walking, fixing (repairing) ‘things’, writing, being outdoors, eating nicely-cooked and presented meals, wearing comfortable clothing, meeting and listening to interesting people, travelling to anywhere, avoiding conflict, enjoying the comforting feeling of a warm shower, sleeping (even if fitfully!), walking in gardens – and anywhere outdoors, and sharing an experience with a friend or family. All of the above, and others I can’t think of at the moment, keep me grounded and more cheerful – most of the time.

It takes an effort to be proactive when I’m lonely. I say to myself, “Come on, snap out of it! Get on with it”. And I attempt to resume the privilege of life. I count my blessings, stop internalising, get up off my backside and move! Them’s the fighting words I conjure up sometimes when my spirits are down. But it is, almost, a constant and corrosive battle, and I really have to work at it; or I get lost and wallow in self-pity and waste my precious waking hours. Family and friends are our real treasure yet, sometimes, they just don’t quite match the absence of a life’s partner…..

Deep apologies to my patient readers who have read this far. I think my current depressive state has been showing. But I’m not going to delete it, because I want you to know that neither you, nor me, need to despair! We are not alone in our loneliness, nor are we lost. Just a bit ‘down’ today, and determined to bounce back!

So, now, off I go for a walk. If you can’t do that, find a rose to smell, a book to read (or listen to), a TV program to enjoy, or maybe find family or a friend to phone (maybe like me, you can’t quite cope with the newfangled concept of internet social networks!). When all else fails, just write it all down, like I’m doing right now! Be grateful, not grumpy; find the treasure….

Keeping in touch requires a connection and also a willingness for communication to take place. Then again, contact can be meaningful, even without a conversation – the act of contact by whatever means is often enough to establish and confirm you care.

Some people, like me, don’t need constant confirmation that someone cares about them.  Phone calls, cards, letters, and these days, all sorts of electronic messaging can easily work to keep us in touch. But lots of us don’t feel comfortable with the ‘new’ electronic messaging that younger folk have adopted as their, perhaps only, means of making contact with others. It seems often to be very public and not as directly connected to just one individual, although I have learned to almost cope with ‘WhatsApp’.

Personally, I prefer to speak on the phone (even a mobile one!) or write an email. I have never quite got my head around ‘social’ messaging. I do see the value, of course, of the immediacy of all those myriad types of social media and methods.

But some of us oldies are not comfortable with it – and I can’t quite describe why I am so averse to it. Well, maybe I can: I simply just didn’t ‘grow up’ with it.

I was a six year old when WW2 broke out, and when my uncle returned from that war after serving in Tobruk, he taught me how his platoon had built radio receivers using a coil made from discarded copper wire, a safety razor blade and an earphone scrounged from an enemy camp. He and his mates were desperate to hear anything in spoken english, the BBC or even some music of any nationality!

Years later in 1957, when I married my sweetheart, Dorothy, in 1957 we had to be on a waitlist to get a landline phone, and only the arrival of our first-born twin children was sufficient to bump us up the list have one installed! No TV in our house for a while later, and then what a little screen! I think it was a ‘fourteen inch’!

That phone, though, was the star. At last Dorothy and I could actually talk with our country parents. But ‘trunk line’ calls were expensive and timed so we soon learned to use the phone sparingly, especially as our cost of living with a growing family was escalating.

Old habits die hard – and although these days modern cell phones mean instant, almost free, contact any time anywhere, I think I’m still, sort of, living in the past and can’t quite break out of my dinosaur habits! Is there anyone else out there who is still on the same bus as me?

Although this is a time when many are focussed on buying Christmas gifts, I’ve chosen to focus on grocery shopping! Whether we live at home or in care, each of us need soap and toothpaste, breakfast cereal, and other grocery items from our local supermarket. Of course, whenever we shop we always take care to get value for our money, don’t we?

I started an awareness of this mundane topic by looking at the small shelf-price-stickers – and had many unexpected surprises: shelf items with a ‘Sale’ price ticket are not always the best dollar value item! I’m not too fussy about who the product manufacturer is – although I favour local manufacturers and try to buy locally grown fruit and vegies. I suspect we all often buy supermarket goods by habit or ‘sale’ prices and fail to consider other manufacturers and whether bigger is always better value. After Christmas, you are likely to have more time to make your own food value studies, maybe it could be your New Year Resolution!

It’s easy: you need only to read the details on the shelf-price-ticket which, by law in Victoria, must also show the price per gram or unit. If you haven’t been checking lately, maybe it’s time for you to read those little shelf labels! We all have our favourite brands, and preferred sized packs, but I am suggesting you take time to read those small shelf label stickers that shows unit pricing information, and don’t be distracted by those big ‘Special’ price stickers….

Take toothpaste as an example. You may be shocked to discover that, even within the same brand, it can cost as much as $14.12 or as little as $2.73 per 100 grams! Yes, there are some different formulations and flavours, but don’t they essentially do the same job? Tube capacity varies, and the size of the packaging (cardboard box) can also be a bit larger than the tube requires (IMHO). Tricky, eh?

Next, breakfast cereals. This time you can widen your sample ‘price-per’ test to include the supermarket’s ‘Home brand’ look-alikes (they may even come from the same manufacturer!). The unit cost range will amaze you, and I doubt you can taste the difference! Try them!

Then there’s laundry liquids. Well, I’m sure you will have noticed the massive differences in pricing there, too. Admittedly I don’t have heavily soiled clothes to test their claims, but it’s my bet you’ll get the same clean outcome whichever brand you choose. There are massive price differences per unit between brands, so check them out, too.

You could then extend your cost analysis to all your other weekly staple purchases. Be prepared to be gob-smacked. Take time to note the unit prices on the different-sized packs and also the competing brands; it is astounding. Be brave, try sampling a different manufacturer’s products. If you are a dyed-in-the-wool brand follower, this will take some courage, but your purse will be heavier when you leave the shop (hmm…who has purses and wallets these days?).

So, two suggestions: the first is to check and compare the shelf ‘price per unit’ information – even on your low cost but frequent buys. The second is to be a little adventuresome and try a different brand when the unit cost will save you money. Just one more thing: make sure you use your supermarket ‘Loyalty’ card. Even with my tiny shopping, I get enough credits to ‘shop-for-free’ every now and then!

Finally, of course, I wish my readers a Happy and meaningful Christmas, and all the best for the New Year, now fast approaching…

Despite my daily walking regime and twice weekly gym sessions, I had never doubted my ability to stand up from a prone position. Talk about knowing your own strength, or not! I’ve had a rude awakening.

It all started recently when I dropped a button which disappeared under my bed. That required me to lay flat on the floor and reach in to retrieve it. Easy-peasy. Yes, but then I had to stand up – and discovered that such a simple action was not as easy as I thought. Luckily, I had the bed to assist.

Soon after that effort of scrambling up from the floor I was with a group at a luncheon, seated alongside a retired nurse. I shamefacedly shared my ‘down but not out’ story about regaining my feet after retrieving that lost button – and she was not surprised. Clearly, small falls are not uncommon among we more senior ambulators. She gave me some tips (see below) on how to arise, gracefully or otherwise, if I should ever again fall with nobody, or thing, nearby to help me up.

I also remember, some years ago, I had been down on hands and knees wiping dust from the skirting boards inside our built-in wardrobe. When I’d finished, I grabbed some clothes hanging above my head to assist me to stand up. You can guess the result: the hanging rail gave way and covered me with clothes, hangers, and the rail. Dorothy laughed and, fortunately, only my dignity was deeply hurt!

But nowadays I know the theory, and a technique, of how to regain my uprightness if (or when!) if I ever again find myself flat on the floor. I have even made a couple of exploratory simulations. It’s not too hard. Maybe you’d also like to do a little controlled trial yourself: just sit on the floor and then get up again!

First keep still, don’t panic, second, assess for any hurts, next, if all’s clear, have a go at being upright! Roll so that you can kneel, crawl to a sturdy piece of furniture and use it to pull yourself up.

But, in a real-life fall: if you are in pain, or just know you’ve broken something, keep still and press your personal alarm button. Of course you have one? If you live in a retirement village or a nursing home, there’s usually an accessible button in the bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom. Better still, if you are wearing a pendant or watch with a special call button, or if you can access your mobile phone, use it.

Anticipate and prepare! If you are of an age and suspect the real possibility of a fall, get ready!

Always use your walking stick, especially when in unfamiliar territory and/or unusual surfaces.

Here’s some other little snippets of advice from my vast storehouse of near misses and failures:

• Don’t sit on rock walls (rocks move, spiders and ants spring surprises)
• Don’t clean skirting boards (let it be, or get someone else to do it)
• Don’t say I didn’t warn you (so many of my friends have spent years healing shin sores)
• Remember to use your walking stick when out (or a friend’s arm)
• Go do your own research: an Internet search on “avoiding falls” will do.

So, there’s the lesson for the month. And remember the words you knew so well when you were younger: Humpty Dumpty… (we can’t even find brown paper these days, so that won’t work!). If you want to keep fit, get walking (always with a stick), but be careful where you sit……

The weather will do as it will, whether we like it or not. In Melbourne we have become used to expecting a wide range of events, even within one day, but we are fortunate that the very wildest extremes are seldom seriously harmful where I live, close by to the city centre.

After a recent deluge, I couldn’t help but think of the analogy to our lives – how unexpected events occur without warning, as well as other ‘personal storms’ of various magnitudes which recur irregularly but, whether we are thinking atmospheric or personal disruptions, we usually find ways to weather the storms!

The solutions to life’s vagaries can be elusive, and there’s usually more than one way to stay dry and safe and see the blue sky again. The frequency and duration of our personal storms is different and most of us  get through with just an umbrella at the ready; others will need the full kit: gumshoes, waterproof clothing and somewhere safe to go. But, often a refuge is hard to find when there are other complexities – like being on a muddy, unmade, rutted road.

The climate is almost akin to our life journey. Sunny one minute, wet and windy the next. Blue skies, no storm in sight, enjoying the day, together with a loved one, and BAM! A thunderstorm catches you off-guard. Suddenly no sun, and sickness and sorrow suddenly surround you. Our hearts overflow with grief and we face an uncertain forecast. Sometimes we just can’t dodge the downpour, and our mind is flooded with brutal facts as we flounder and fuss and fidget, soaked in sorrow for our partner and for ourselves.

In such a turmoil some, like me, can find support and strength from family and friends and specialised agencies, but also from a belief in a healing, saving God. Somehow, we will find a helping hand and sometimes medical aid, and the storm abates a little, a tiny ray of sunshine pierces our gloom! What at first seemed to be a never-ending winter becomes broken into with flashes of colour, revealing the silver lining and giving us periods of calmness we thought had been banished forever. Hope and prayer and determination give us strength to survive and the will to look for the sunshine. Yes, life’s like that.

As I write this, the hail, which was hurling its icy pellets on my windows a few minutes ago, has stopped. The wind has abated, the clouds went off to hassle someone else, the sun is breaking through and my spirits are lifting. Not unlike experiencing life’s seasons which can also help us appreciate and equip ourselves to cope with the changing stages of our life. Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s can have the same highs and lows as the climate spectrum and the carer needs to equip themselves – to help both partners navigate that journey and cope with the unpredictable storms.

So, we all need to recognise how our lives are constantly changing, like the weather, as we travel in our own personal climate zones, whether we like it or not. Somehow, we learn to adapt our lifestyle to remain as a firm and useful companion to our partner and family, and to maintain our friendships. Even when we are caught in an unexpected storm…..