.…saves nine. Some of my readers will recognise that old adage, for those who don’t, it simply means it’s better to address problems early, before the damage worsens. I guess it stems from the times when a frayed garment was best repaired before it completely fell apart. Like, ‘I must darn my socks before the big toe gets strangled”. You get the idea: don’t let things escalate before you act.

It was a bit like that as Alzheimer’s was taking hold of my late wife, all those years ago. I should have recognised the symptoms earlier, but my vision was clouded by love – and denial. I suspect we all have a selective and biased acceptance of truth, as well as convenient memory blockages. Sometimes we react unpredictably, conveniently rationalise, or are inconsistent and erratic in our own behaviour: that’s just part of growing older, isn’t it?

Should I have seen Dorothy’s dementia coming? Would there have been a difference to our lives had I spotted it earlier? I have often thought about that……

I did recognise that I needed to be more tolerant, more patient and forgiving, and to find better ways to cope with our different perspectives and actions. I stumbled my way into adapting to a new way of living – together and yet apart – without conflict. At first, I often blamed myself for forgetting to share and explain every detail of what had been planned for today, next week, or whenever. Perhaps it was my defective memory; maybe I had just taken ‘something’ for granted, then made allowances for us both. Rationalising every aspect along the way.

Now, years later, I’ll admit I didn’t always see or understand those early behaviour and relationship changes – nor their permanency. Nevertheless, we both instinctively adapted in many positive ways and there were lots of good times. But I hasten to caution that our story, our relationship, and reactions, may be entirely different to your lived experience; if you have some doubts about your relationship don’t wait – make a start to get help!

At first, I was blissfully unaware of the early, subtle, changes affecting us both. In some strange ways, our attempts to cope often brought us closer together. But there were times when I couldn’t or wouldn’t see what was happening, times when we were both pig-headed, contrary, argumentative, even a little aggressive. Gradually, I learned to be more patient and when to keep the right emotional distance. And that kept our love alive, but not kicking!

The balance between our thinking, planning, noting, remembering, and doing, was often befuddled; but the penny eventually drops. It wasn’t just me! I reluctantly accepted there were not only inconsistent behavioural patterns by my partner but also differences in my own reactions which could have worsened the outcomes.

At that point, life for both of us had changed, and kept changing! They were times of learning, understanding, and adapting; of getting on with life differently, often with various levels of stress for us both. It was also a time for deepening forgiveness and love. It’s when I finally accepted the reality of the ever-changing relationship along our journey and really started learning to cope with a new, different, partnership model.

I reckon there were lots of ‘stitches in time’ made in those earlier years! So, if your partner’s responses are changing, be aware; talk to your doctor in private, talk to your family as appropriate and, if you are like me, you’ll be prayerful, and remember ‘A stitch in time…..’