That’s not a misspelt word. But it does describe our journey rather well for many of us isolated and alone or as couples, as we progress through what we hope will be a run-down towards a more open society. Some of us older cohort tolerate being confined to barracks quite well, we are not usually social butterflies anyway. Nevertheless, these can be troubled times for many families and a test of our resourcefulness, our patience, our attitude, and our behaviour.

By a strange quirk, as I was just about to do a ‘progressive Save’ of this document, I noticed a piece I’d written just over a year ago, whilst Dorothy was in care, titled “Travelling on” (7/8/2020). So, of course I opened it for a quick read! Here’s an excerpt, written when I was able to remember, but she couldn’t, about those earlier travelling times:

“But that doesn’t preclude my solitary recall of them, nor does it diminish their importance, it simply means I can’t re-share them with Dorothy even though she’s still with me, but apart. And they are no less real, and I can still recall and savour those times. Dorothy’s ability to reminisce slid away some years ago and those memories totally elude her; nevertheless, those earlier shared experiences most certainly have shaped us, in our behaviour and attitude to others, even in our now different lives”.

Certainly, my life is different this year without Dorothy. And, although I still miss her more than words can tell, I am moving on, as we all must. Determined to savour the present times I can share, albeit remotely because of COVID, with our wonderful family, their partners and our grandchildren, and this year, a great-granddaughter! In the midst of this pandemic, despite some stupid selfish acts by some ill-informed reckless people, most of us recognise the severity of the virus, we’ve had our vaccination and we adhere to the rules of engagement even though they are onerous, knowing that to ignore basic isolation can cause so much collateral damage to so many others.

As we move through this phase of COVID, hopefully with some more freedoms soon, let’s continue to be patient as we cope with the stress of being cloistered at home and to keep in touch by phone and email with friends, and especially remember the many who are ‘stuck’ in care, mostly without any allowed visits. Safe as they may be and even with people around them, separation and loneliness creeps in and, believe me, it can be very depressing. I thank God that I live in a retirement village with a caring management and with kind-hearted neighbours and friends around me, and in a local council area with good support structures. Many older folks don’t have such privileges! Well, that’s it for today, as I continue plodding along on my personal journey, doing my best to travel this single narrow solitary road and to not feel the travail’s!

And here’s where to find out more about Alzheimer’s and other forms of Dementia, just click here >>> Dementia Action Week | Dementia Australia

The shorter nights and the longer days are most welcome. The daytime is easy, really, but it’s the long, lonely evenings that are the worst part of living alone, in my experience, anyway. Like many of my readers already know, we cope with solitude by developing our own routines and techniques to mitigate those melancholy moments….

I’m fortunate that I can still notch up a few kilometres on the nearby walking trails and streets, weather permitting and with spring now here, I can get out almost every day for an hour or so and feel the benefit to mind and body. Sometimes I feel some back pain or another twinge which serves as a reminder to keep moving for as long as I can. But it’s not so much my physical health that is a problem, it’s my silly mind, which often does the sort of wandering I don’t need!

With current Coronavirus restrictions we can’t venture far on our walks or even visit family or friends, and now our shopping has become a bit scarier too, as we all try to keep our distance and not handle or touch surfaces!

But I am heartened to see and hear, and be the recipient of, the generosity of family and from my friends who live around me in this retirement village. There are many others here who live alone, and probably just as many others living as couples but with one partner less able than the other, and that can be even harder to cope with than living alone, and my heart goes out to them. They have a more difficult road to travel than me now with only myself to worry about! Melancholy can be so debilitating, and so pointless, a bit like a dog chasing its own tail.

It’s the generosity of spirit and friendship of others that jolts me back to reality and encourages me to be more useful than useless! It also reminds me to be grateful rather than graceless, to thank God for all my blessings then try to focus on how I can reflect that love and care in what I do and say, which leads me into thinking of the ‘now’ and ahead, instead of ‘living in the past’. It is hard to plan ahead in these times but if we don’t dream, we stagnate, and that sad cycle starts again.

So, I’ve decided to dream, daydream anyway, and stop being a sad sack. Longer days now means I can walk more often or sit in the sun and read or make or create or fix something or even plot how and where I might like to travel – whenever! Thanks to my daughter’s encouragement I even found my old paints and crayons to see if an artistic dream would emerge, well it didn’t, quite… So here we go, busy on a spring clean, another walk, maybe a letter or two to some old friends (better type, my handwriting is becoming spidery). Although not a social butterfly these days, I will not succumb to being a hermit!

If you have read this far and are still feeling jaded, you should join with me and say, “Bring on the longer days, and we’ll fill ‘em up with action and some joy”. Remember the old slogan “Life – be in it”. And isn’t it good that the nights are shorter, now!

Very soon a special week will start, and it will be special for different people and for different reasons all over the world. During that week and without a doubt, somewhere nearby in Australia, a husband or a wife or a partner will recognise and admit that domesticity has definitely changed and will finally concede that the partner is definitely responding or behaving differently to a worrying degree.

I’m not talking about matrimonial unfaithfulness! And the kind of change I’m talking about is not because that person is temporarily unwell or suffering from Coronavirus, but is behaving, or responding or talking, significantly differently from the way they did – last month or last year. Changes in behaviour like that are often slow and can be manifested in various ways. Sometimes they are so variable that they sneak past a partner’s notice, and those symptoms may not even be because of Alzheimer’s disease and so it’s critical for one of the partners to first seek medical help. It is often the children or close friends who first notice important personality changes and then find it awkward, confronting even, to bring the topic up, even with the other partner.

That’s the problem with Alzheimer’s. It can creep up on you. After all, everyone forgets things we shouldn’t. So those who are closest, our partners, even neighbours and friends, are usually quick to forgive and to forget it is happening more often than a few minutes ago, or last week, or last year. Often, as it was in my case, it’s the children who’ve left home for work and marriage who come home for a visit and notice there’s a difference to Mum or Dad, “they always seem to forget what we just talked about, or how long ago since we last visited”, and more……

Ultimately, there will be a discussion between the children (if they keep in touch with each other after leaving the nest) and one of them will quietly arrange to get the ‘normal’ parent aside and pose the question, in my case, “Have you noticed how Mum is so forgetful?”. Or perhaps you’ve noticed a difference yourself when you’re shopping or preparing a meal – how things are tackled differently these days. Is that something you can identify with?

 If some of the above resonates with you then you should know that a very special week starts soon: it’s Dementia Action Week, from Monday, 20th September 2021. But it needn’t conclude after a week…for you, maybe it will be just the beginning of an awareness or perhaps a need for action! I would encourage all my readers to click on this link and find out more:

Dementia Action Week | Dementia Australia     

On that website you will find lots of interest and simple and practical tips to help you give some support to a person living with dementia, or to a carer, a friend, a neighbour, or family member of such a person, as well as many helpful links.

And, as you read about my own story, you may find some parallels with your own experiences. If so, drop me line and perhaps we can share and help each other cope, especially now with coronavirus causing us to be even more separate….

Every morning when I awake it so tempting to roll over and stay there. Just a few more minutes and, I admit, I sometimes do! Then, fortunately rarely, I occasionally don’t wake until mid-morning and startled by the lateness, almost bound out of bed feeling ashamed of my slothfulness! I rationalise and think “well, I must have needed that rest”, knowing full well that tonight I will be so refreshed I won’t be able to get to sleep and toss and turn half the night. The wages of sin!

What I do try to live up to is the mantra “This is the first day of the rest of your life” and then try to accept that and keep it uppermost in mind all day. Well, of course, on many days as soon as I’ve breakfasted, I’ve forgotten that resolution and started to feel sorry for myself, again! Fortunately, most days I can hang on to that positive mental attitude (PMA) and my first job is to look at my diary (yes, I keep a written diary to remind myself of the things that must be done or paid) and begin the day’s chores; mostly almost enjoying them and just being active. Living alone as a sort of ‘fussy/tidy’ person, thanks to my dear Dorothy’s tutelage, I find there are always housekeeping and other jobs to keep me off the streets……and so my day begins.

While I am still well enough, I do like to go walking, and over the past twelve years or so I have walked and explored all the big and little streets around where I live. In earlier times, and when Dorothy was with me, we would often drive to other metropolitan parks and trails to walk for an hour or so, finding plants and gardens and new trails, often stopping somewhere for a coffee or even lunch. The current coronavirus restrictions at this time preclude me from those sorts of excursions and, even walking alone now, I don’t venture out to anything other than the same old nearby streets. Like everyone here in Melbourne (and isn’t that almost everywhere?), I am looking forward to ranging further afield, soon.

Meanwhile, I now take each day as it comes, I try to be a joy to someone, anyone, if I can, to be grateful for what I have, to keep active, even busy if possible, with housework, gardening, reading, or whatever (not cooking!). That philosophy works for me, most days. Why not join me and try enjoying the first day of the rest of your life? (What’s ‘PMA’ again?).

I don’t mean lots of different ‘paper forms’ to fill out, like job applications or Census forms. No, I mean the many and various forms of dementia, and Alzheimer’s comes in many degrees, guises, and intensities. My late wife’s form was characterised by her (apparent) almost total loss of memory of all that occurred more than a few minutes before. Although Dorothy always ‘knew’ me, it seemed, in the last year or so, that I was a friendly visitor rather than her husband. And I learned to simply just love her even more…and hope and pray.

I know, mostly by observing those who were living with Dorothy at her care home, that Alzheimer’s covers a huge range of memory loss, cognition, behaviour, and responsiveness – not to mention every other personality attribute and condition! It seems that an ability for social interaction and reaction, and the person’s verbal ability is yet another significant factor in this condition we call Alzheimer’s. All of that complex range of conditions indicate the incredible variety of ways dementia shows in individuals and determines the person’s apparent level of ‘happiness’. The same but different!

This was brought home to me graphically when I watched the later life-changes over time of a Sydney mother, depicted on Facebook by her son and his family. The changes happening to his ‘Oma’ were predicably incremental and he shows, and tells with narrative and pictures, how the family adapted and coped. His story is one of amazing love and empathy, replicated in different ways by different families; but his site is a brilliant portrayal which personalises and takes us through his story, their story.

It’s the story of a journey nothing like mine, or perhaps yours, but it is a riveting and positive process and emotionally uplifting. Have a look, see how this young man has gone beyond just telling us about his mother. He involves his viewers, he encourages and strengthens us to develop and enhance a strong empathy with our loved one who’s life is changing in front of us, often in ways we can hardly fathom.

Dorothy’s Alzheimer’s dementia story is totally different, as you may know, but a creative response to any or all forms always needs love, and here is an example, extraordinaire.

To know what I mean, have a look at it here: https://www.facebook.com/omasapplesauce  You are going to love what he is doing, it goes way beyond a simple story….see how he is reaching out, using his photographic and writing skills on Facebook. Then let him, and me, know how you felt about his story! I’m not asking you to fill out another form! Just a note will do……

If you live in Melbourne, you will know how intensely cold it is, and has been for a while, but how glorious it is when the clouds clear every few days and we have pure sunshine, like today. We all need some sunny days in our lives in lockdown days!

Today, as I walked on our nearby streets and paths, as usual I often meditate about all the walks that Dorothy and I did together, in times past. And I spare a thought for all those who by reason of health or mobility or lack of incentive are unable to get outside and feel that warmth (out of the chilly blasts of that biting wind!). It’s quite incongruous that I should be the survivor when it was Dorothy who was always the strong walker; we had so many happy walks, especially locally where we’d analyse and discuss the parks, the trees, the birds, and other people’s front yards. “That’s a rental”, we’d guess, as we surveyed the forlorn state of a front yard!

Our common love of plants and gardens enabled us to share, more deeply than some folk, because of the happy years we spent together in our tiny suburban retail plant nursery. After my career in corporate commerce and manufacturing, with Dorothy as the homemaker, we were happy for me to take early retirement and, together, run that little business. It wasn’t a great financial success, but it sure helped us to know each other in a whole new way, and we thrived on it.

As the big nurseries grew bigger, we tiny ones gradually lost our appeal hastened, too, by the change from a society and community where the old male breadwinner concept was replaced by both partners working with neither having enough time at home for gardening. Initially the nursery was to be my newly-retired occupation and I had prepared for it by evening studies at Burnley college. The plan was for Dorothy to be an occasional helper. But guess what? Dorothy, with a lifetime love of the land, quickly found that the nursery was just what she needed, too! After all those years devoted to raising our five wonderful kids and being entangled in domestic and caring duties (often abandoned by me as I clawed my way up the corporate ladder), she flourished, indeed bloomed, and we worked together as a team like never before. Those ten happy years were never envisaged in our earlier years but, in a strange, unplanned serendipitous way they dramatically changed our lives for the better. Over those years we worked together, on our feet all day, we learned more about plants, and people and their gardens, and also about each other.

Now like so many other ‘singles’, living more alone than ever in these coronavirus days, I no longer garden, and I walk alone. But perhaps like me as I walk, we can all see the beauty of the bush, even in suburban gardens. The smile on my face now, is not because I’m seeing a beautiful flower, plant, or tree; no, it’s because they all remind me of the love and happiness of the past, before and after the nursery, and that will remain with me forever. Believe me, you should walk in the garden if you can, it’s good for the mind and body; but if you can’t walk, feast your eyes on the plants through the window, or at least in a book, and remember the days.…flowers, walking, and loving and……….

Two sides to every coin, to every argument, to every – well almost everything, and I sometimes find it hard to see the sunny side of life. The coronavirus lockdowns causes all of us to keep looking for the bright side as we adjust to a ‘new’ lifestyle which is different, restrictive, and often challenging. Because I have lived alone for some years now, I am able to keep myself fully occupied with hardly any spare time to feel dejected or alone. Nevertheless, sometimes I do feel that way but, like most people, I have various strategies to dispel those depressing days and nights.

In fact, there are always a number of activities that await our attention, everyday things like house-cleaning, laundry, shopping, meals to make and dishes to wash!  They are constant and universal for us all. But in addition, we also need to cope with all the other important life activities, like walking for pleasure and exercise, reading for brain stimulation and recreation, watching TV to catch up on the news and some entertainment and, in my case, writing this blog or some letters, repairing computers for fun and profit, drawing and painting for fun, visiting friends and relations when possible, doing crosswords, and managing personal finances and filing all the paperwork, phew!

Now, overlying all these, I’m following through on all the consequential details from Dorothy’s death. One of our children thoughtfully gave me a written list of things to be closed off. I am so pleased that I had separated our finances and medical records when Dorothy first went into institutional care, which has made those transitional and follow-up items a little easier; but it all takes time and care.

Fortunately, I’m in reasonable health and able to cope with the mental and physical demands on my time, and luckily, between community coronavirus episodes, I was able to visit my son in country Victoria who recently had a serious jet-ski accident and spend time with him, even celebrate his birthday with him and his family to see for myself how he has been blessed with a complete recovery. He had been jet-skiing with a group (always a group!) and, whilst almost stationary at the riverbank, was thrown off when his ski hit a submerged root which threw him off into the swiftly-flowing river water; he actually, momentarily, died but because of the prompt and skilled resuscitation by one of his jet-ski friends, then a long and tortuous ambulance ride and hospitalisation, he is now back home, fully recovered!

That experience has highlighted for us all the need to cherish our lives and each other, and that must be difficult when you are unwell or physically handicapped.  Now I’m also safely back home, catching up after my week away ((just squeezed in between lockups!) and not sure if I’m ‘Arthur or Martha’ or whether I have an upside or a downside but, like my son, happy to be on my feet most of the time and looking for the upside! Never a dull moment, eh?

“Do you promise to love and cherish her/him, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her/him, for so long as you both shall live?” I did!

Now, sixty something years later, there is (metaphorically) a hole in my heart which, three months after my wife’s death, is now healing. That’s because of the love and support of our wonderful family, friends, and neighbours and also because of my Christian faith which helps me to know Dorothy is in a better place.

It must be so hard for people who don’t have those sorts of foundations, those with no children or local family, perhaps only a few friends, and no faith in a loving God. Coronavirus has added another dimension to the grief of losing a partner and has now exacerbated the loneliness of men and women who have lost a life-long partner for whatever reason. I am still constantly aware of my wife’s absence, but I know she would not want me to be morose and sad about it. I am adjusting to being alone rather more quickly than I expected because, for many more than the two years Dorothy was in care, I was already ‘alone’ and had time to adjust to that reality. I can hardly envisage how much harder it must be for those of my readers whose partner with advanced Alzheimer’s was still living with them at home until the end of their life.

In the few years before Dorothy went into care without me, our ordinary day to day living had become increasingly difficult in every imaginable way. The unremitting constancy of care, as you may know, is exceedingly tiring, indeed debilitating. In our case, that stress manifested itself on both of us, and remaining together under one roof would ultimately have been, not just stressful, but downright disastrous. The final decision, after the family agreement to move Dorothy into care, was difficult and confronting for me, but I did recognise it was essential for both of us and our health into the future. Fortunately, Dorothy seemed to accept her new abode with her former grace and tranquillity.

The process and the journey of finding the right placement and how it could be financed was always going to be a long road, fraught with complexities and riddled with more choices than you ever envisaged. Believe me, you need to start and think about the need long before it becomes an otherwise unplanned event! Once the decision to go down the care road had been accepted by myself and my family it was soon apparent that I needed professional help. A friend who’d travelled that path referred me to an excellent specialised service (ask me and I’ll tell you who) and most of the hard preparatory work was done by them. Even after choosing a Care Home, you still need to negotiate the entry (and other) costs and consider a raft of options. Yes, get help!

The need to get assistance doesn’t just apply to accommodation, costs and when and where. If you’re like me, you’ll need more than just financial help; you are probably going to need some ‘mental’ and maybe physical, even medical, and spiritual help. The latter is easy for me, I’m familiar with prayer and belong to a supportive church group. It’s the psychological aspect that I needed a boost with! Having a good relationship with a caring medical doctor was also a tremendous help to me and I now also belong to a small on-line group who meet regularly, it’s professionally curated by a psychologist (it’s free, too!). I am happy to share the details.

Although the promises I undertook at our wedding, all those years ago, don’t need to apply any more, let me tell you, I don’t easily break promises and I know Dorothy would want me to live on as fully as I am able. But I couldn’t do it without help. So, if you are struggling to cope with life, separated from your partner with Alzheimer’s like I was, go ask for help! Drop me a line, too if you’d like some ideas.

Growing older is almost an oxymoron. But it isn’t. Because as we age, we can still grow and enhance our brainpower or, at least, minimise the ‘ungrowth’. Strangely, my girth seems to grow, yet the rest of my body seems to be shrinking! Anyway, back on topic about the growth of our minds – although perhaps I should say ‘broadening’ of the mind.

In these modern times we are able to access knowledge so easily, not just with books and newspapers and radio but via the internet. We can find an answer for anything we ask, albeit with caution about accepting web information without careful checking! Finding information is easy with online access – and we don’t even need to leave home.

In this currently, still ongoing, coronavirus world our physical contact with other people has been seriously curtailed and many, including old wrinklies like me, have a yearning for personal presence to provide the stimulus and incentive for a ‘real’ connection. The lockdown/s can be lonely and stressful for some people, yet others find it a time to enjoy and to savour the gentle quietness of living alone. A mixed blessing that can change often!

Certainly, I miss my wife Dorothy after more than sixty years together, but I am learning to cope better. I am not constantly ‘on edge’ now, waiting for a phone call to say she was unwell or involved in some personality ‘incident’. Alzheimer’s had a firm hold on her mind and she was not able to share her thoughts so our conversations could only be one-sided. Despite that, she always seemed ‘happy in the moment’ and we shared times together, walking hand-in-hand. But those days are gone, and I’m at a new phase in my life and that too, is a mixed blessing.

Making the best use of this more relaxed lifestyle has unfortunately meshed with coronavirus lockdowns. Like many others, I find there are times when the solitude feeds upon itself and I can become melancholy and drift into introspection then a state of what I suppose is mild depression. Do you know that feeling? It’s then I find a long walk is really helpful, and I’m also trying to develop activities to occupy my mind; simply being able to read again is a great antidote for me. Luckily (by my own reckoning), I am normally a quiet extrovert, mostly happy to share my personal space with anyone of any age, especially if there is a spark of reciprocity and they are of a gentle disposition.

But these days I refuse to accept or even say “I’m getting old” with its negative connotations. I’ll just try keep active and push my old mind to keep ‘growing’!