Coping is a commonly used word to describe how we are managing life’s problems. It implies that we are dealing with them but not necessarily enjoying the process!

Of course, it can also mean something else entirely, as I discovered when I googled my use of the word. I was intrigued to see how it’s often used in the world of architecture and can be defined as “the shape (of a structural member) to fit or conform with the shape of another member”. I thought how apt that definition was when I wanted to use it here in relation to caring for ‘another member’!

I’m sure many of my readers who care for a person with Alzheimer’s will know all about coping. Adapting our lives to care for someone else (as well as yourself) is no mean feat. It always requires the carer to cope with the needs and behaviour of two people.

Keeping a lifetime balance always requires the carer to be alert and aware of the needs of both, as well as finding effective ways to balance and maintain a satisfying relationship for both partners. Sometimes that will involve a conflict of desired outcomes, and it will be tricky to negotiate happily. It’s then that coping will often result: an encounter and an outcome that is not entirely satisfactory to one of the parties.

So, we need to do more than just cope. We need to learn how to gently lead, yet avoid coercion, and find the ways to enjoy activities that provide at least a degree of happy compliance. That requires us, as carers, to be always alert to opportunities for positive strategies; ones that encourage and reinforce a mutual satisfaction. Not always easy, and it sure takes some creative methodology!

It should be easier for long-time partners – after all, we know and understand our own and our partner’s life attitudes and our usual responses to any circumstance, don’t we?

Well, with Alzheimer’s, we often don’t! Past behaviour is frequently not a guide to current activity and reaction. That’s why, among other things, carers need some time out, some respite from the ever-present uncertainty of a partner’s behaviour. That’s why coping is not enough – OK, it will keep things afloat for a while, but we all need to do more than just coping.

If, as you have read this far and you recognise that you are just coping, it’s time to seek help. No excuses. Talk about your circumstances with someone, a family member, a friend, and your doctor.

Coping is good – but not good enough!

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