Are you even a bit scared? A few years ago, I used to worry that perhaps Dorothy was scared, too. But I don’t think she was. Even when I tentatively first introduced her to being with others a bit like herself at a day centre; or even when she finally moved to a full-time care home, living apart from me. She was, in the main, always calm and at ease wherever she was.

But I was scared when that moment of separation came. What if the care home staff are negligent (we’d all seen news items of mistreatment in past times)? What if there are conflicts with other residents, what if, what if……? The doubts all but consumed me. How was I going to cope, to not have my sweetheart of decades living with me?

Looking back now, a widower for over four years, I realize just how stressed I was during the years leading up to and including her stay in full-time care. In those years there were times when for almost every waking moment I was in a constant alert state, watching, waiting, listening, helping, trying to converse, striving to be present, to be loving and caring – no wonder I was always tired! Our children, all married with their own families were always supportive and, with local council help, we managed to stay together in the earlier stages of Dorothy’s Alzheimer’s. Neither of us had ever envisioned being separated, we expected to stay together, happy in our comfortable retirement village until at least one of us died. I didn’t see the signs…. And because, at first, we did cope and later with some home help.

Finally, after some nasty falls, blackouts and brief hospital stays, it was time to accept that Dorothy needed more care than I could cope with. And so began the next phase of my “journey of care”.

That meant evaluation visits to nearby care homes, analyses of costs and our resources, seeking opinions from friends, reading brochures and articles, imagining different scenarios. Then the next process of options, of elimination and finally the choice of a care home. Ultimately, I needed the advice and help of a specialist to take me through the financial and paperwork involved with the care home, the government departments, the bank. All this forward planning is a daunting task, especially when you are not exactly rich, you’re ageing, confused, tired and bewildered, just as I was!

But take heart, dear reader, with the right help it is possible to travel the long ‘journey of care’, a road not without some rough patches. I can only strongly recommend you seek some expert help, as I did.

Thank goodness I wasn’t personally alone or lost very often – I have my faith, I have my family, my friends and neighbours and an excellent care home where Dorothy spent her final years. All that remains now is for me to accept this new phase of life, to be thankful and strengthened by the years past and to look forward to seeing our family grow.

The mental and monetary reserves we build by our efforts can certainly be depleted quickly in later years and we all learn to take nothing for granted. But always, in my case, the love and support of my extended family and good mates has endured and enabled me to weather life’s storms and stresses. Now in these later, single years, I can reflect and enjoy each new day and look forward to some fun tomorrow. How good is that!

So, dear reader, take heart: seize the day and love it. Make the most of your available resources, take nothing for granted and, importantly, don’t look back too hard, certainly not in anger!

“Carpe diem” is what the oldies said, and “sufficient unto the day”. We’ll I try to keep those words in mind as we start this New Year……

It comes around quicker each year! And that’s not such a bad thing because it means we have been busy and the time just slipped by and we might even have achieved something with all that busyness! Certainly, the shopping spree at this time of the year keeps many people on the run.

For mature-aged people like me there is no longer a frantic need to shop for cards and stamps and presents and wrapping paper or indeed making lists of people and presents. Finally, I am at the stage of life where ‘gifting’ is not an issue, neither the intricacies of selecting and matching gifts nor the dilemma of disposing of unwanted gifts after the event!

My family is sensible and mostly adopt the ‘Kris Kringle’ method. They set a small monetary limit on gift value and, after a ballot, each person buys only one present for another family member. Sometimes there’s discussion between the two parties, but usually some innovative useful gifts emerge from the wrappings on Christmas morning. The money and heartache saved can then, voluntarily, be used as donations to worthy causes, whether local or for international relief.

It is also the time of year when we can all take stock of where we are, and how we are, and what we can do for ourselves and for others in the coming year/s. Certainly, I need to do just that, taking into account the level of my health and wealth, my ability (or need) to keep driving, and how best to manage my life, my domestic needs and my location. That’s all a bit confronting but face it I must while I am still (somewhat) in control!

So, at this time of year, others like me are also considering their lifestyle, their location, changing health, and future needs. It can be a bit distressing to acknowledge our vulnerabilities, but I’ve made a small start in transitioning to a different life profile; one that recognises no more driving, no more easy instant decisions to go there, or visit there, or look at something necessitating a car journey. Bus passes, taxis, trains, trams, lifts with friends all loom large in next year’s experiences, even if my health still permits!

So, you see, it’s not just a time of year for choosing gifts! For me, and for many like me, it’s also a time to stop and think about the results of my chosen, continuing, lifestyle; the impact that more of the same will have on my friends and family, on their love and concern and my fervent hope not to become a burden.

So, that was my Christmas thinking as I started writing this message but now, well, it all seems like doom and gloom – and that is not what I wanted to write about! It was, and still is, to wish my readers a happy time of Christian good tidings and a Happy (and well-managed) New Year!

How easy is it to take anything, or everything, for granted? Friendship, love, health, wealth, food, shelter – and a bed to sleep in. These are just a few aspects of our local way of life; yet many folk are not able to take them for granted.

Daily we are reminded of people in this world, even in our own community, who are the victims of misfortunes entirely or principally not of their own doing. Of course, there are also many who, by their own actions, are destitute or discontented, even angry and friendless and financially distraught. It’s hard for me to be sympathetic for such people in self-imposed depression, and I am in awe of the volunteers and professionals who try to help them, many of whom, I suspect, have taken too much for granted….

I am grateful to be able to share some of my good fortune, my blessings, and my hard-won financial resources to alleviate some distress in our community. I learned frugality during my early, somewhat fragmented years which has been central to my adult life and which now allows me some flexibility in how I spend my remaining years. Building emotional and financial reserves has enabled me to ride the rough waves of the recent years when Alzheimer’s claimed the life of my dear Dorothy.

The mental and monetary reserves we build by our efforts can certainly be depleted quickly and we all learn to take nothing for granted. But always, in my case, the love and support of my extended family and good mates has endured and enabled me to weather life’s storms and stresses. Now in my later, single years, I can reflect and enjoy each new day and look forward to some fun tomorrow. How good is that!

So, dear reader, take heart: seize the day and love it. Make the most of your available resources, take nothing for granted and, importantly, don’t look back too hard, certainly not in anger!

“Carpe diem” is what the oldies said, and “sufficient unto the day”; so I try to keep those words in mind……

Motivation is the driving force, but it’s dead in the water if it isn’t activated. And sometimes what’s missing, for me anyway, is that stimulus for action – the trigger that gets things started. Many of us on our life journeys have experienced a vast array of stimuli, wanted or unwanted, that have sparked us from a lethargy and set us on a journey along a variety of pathways. In our later years, that journey has often been unplanned and sometimes perplexing. Surely a good rest will re-activate us?

Even when we are resting our minds are often working hard. Try as we might, it’s often hard to change our thoughts and when we try to sleep the old brainbox is often still working overtime, sifting through the alternate solutions to a myriad of personal, or imagined or global problems, over and over. Personally, I have a method that helps, I pray. It helps me to sift and evaluate the important stuff and to reorder my mind in a positive way; to analyse, identify and focus on what’s affecting me and, indeed, the world!

There’s no doubt I’m not alone when I sometimes forget things that need, or should, be done. It’s even harder if you are caring for someone who is depending upon you (whether they realise it or not). So, I’m especially thinking today about the carers who are managing two lives (and maybe more) in a family where Alzheimer’s is present and whose minds are sometimes actively working in top gear and ever alert… But now, for me, being alone is easier – although the flip-side of easier is idleness, and that sometimes leads to depression and feeling miserable. Know what I mean?

And there’s yet another angle affecting we older folk, and that’s mobility. Many of my friends who have difficulty moving their bodies, who can’t walk far unaided, who can’t get up and go, have this activation/motivation restriction. Amazingly, they all have found ways to recover, or maintain, a degree of flexibility and dexterity with mind-active activities: creative hobbies, reading, studying, listening to interviews and books, writing, playing a musical instrument, or card and mind games with a friend. I am always amazed to hear how my non-physically active friends remain so alert and enjoy their lives, despite an infirmity, and their positivity encourages me.

Whether it’s mind or body, or both, our health and wellbeing will be activated when we develop a technique that delivers a sense of satisfaction. Some of us maintain that equilibrium using social encounter and some by willpower but, when that doesn’t work, we need to be practical and find other methods, and prayer is the great stimulus for me. There is some truth in the old adage of “Mind over matter”, and I mind, because others matter.

Perhaps you have your own special method of self-activation, of beating the blues? How about you drop me a line and share it?

That expression was commonly heard in our early married years when it meant trying to pay all our everyday living expenses out of one wage. Must look it up on google sometime but, for us and our growing family, it meant stretching our available money to cover our ever-growing costs.

These days, it means more like finishing the job, closing off the circle, seeing the job finished, and that seems a more positive way to view it: “All done and dusted, sit back and enjoy a ringside seat”. Unfortunately, that happy state can’t be shared by those still in the workforce or by housebound carers. I learned in my early married life, and still appropriate, was how to be ‘thrifty’ (that’s another word to look up!).

Sometimes when I visit a shopping centre, I see a lot of money being spent on ‘things’ that are (what I consider) inessential junk; not just food, or even luxury items, but ‘stuff’, items that are really junky plastic, ephemeral, pieces with no long-term useful lives. Yes, I know – we all need some little extras in our life if we can manage it. What I see shoppers carrying, though, is a predominance of junk. Excessive quantities of short-lived items, many with a difficult end-of life disposal problem.

Of course, we all crave our individuality, but it does seem a little over-the-top to see the extent of plastic packaging around so many individual items. It can genuinely protect the contents from physical damage for for health and sanitation purposes, and also enhance the look of the product. Sadly, though, a good deal of packaging is to prevent shoplifting and/or to enforce a multiple purchase. Some packaging is also oversized to trick us into thinking the contents are larger.

Much of the packaging is simply for marketing, to sell more of something, to maybe sell a product we might not have even considered buying. Yes, I am guilty, too of impulse buying, but not often – I’m too mean with my money! The evidence of overspending and over-use of packaging is everywhere…. I see it strewn alongside the paths as I walk. I see it in the overstuffed garbage bins in parks and outside houses on pickup days, and around the overfilled public bins at bus-stops.

Apart from avoiding over-packaged goods, we can all try to be careful in our buying habits and thoughtful in how we dispose, re-use, re-cycle, or re-purpose all that packaging that passes through our hands. Making ends meet can mean more if we consciously avoid overpacked goods and dispose of unwanted packaging thoughtfully. Like many of my readers, I try to keep my rubbishy footprint as small as I can manage. Consider contacting suppliers, too, and voicing your opposition to unnecessary, ineffective, or excessive packaging. Let’s please, ‘make ends meet’ – close the circle whenever and however we can and be an environmental carer.

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By the way, if you are also a person carer…

….you can find information about caring for someone living with dementia on the Family, Friends and Carers page at this website Home | Dementia Australia
Dementia Australia’s Younger Onset Dementia Guide is the go-to resource for people living with younger onset dementia (diagnosed before the age of 65) as well as their carers and family.

“She’ll be right mate”. We all like things to be right, and what’s right for some will be wrong for others. Life is full of contrasts, options, and decisions. Whether by choice or fate, we live our lives in an environment of constant flux.

Confronted with new circumstances and challenges every day, we constantly develop our own strategies to cope with them. Sometimes our surroundings and our environment changes because we initiate the difference; at other times we have no choice. But we do find solutions – or adapt – in the best way we know.

That’s because, in the main, we are cool, calm, and collected and can overcome our day-to-day problems quickly, and usually effectively, almost without thought. Of course, we’ve all made hasty decisions too and, most times, we get it right. From an early age we learned to size things up and find a solution. Normally there is time to think things through before we act. How different it is for a person with Alzheimer’s when indecision and wrong decision often dominate!

If we are reasonably agile and healthy we can normally cope with our regular personal tasks automatically. Of course, I will admit that my own mundane choices for what to wear, clean, buy, or cook – or even eat, can sometimes overwhelm me! I’m guessing that at least some of my readers will identify with those occasional glitches and agree that it’s safe to claim them as ‘normal’ – and have a laugh at ourselves.

It all depends on frequency. Lapses of memory, occasional temper tantrums, strange decisions, disturbed sleep, language problems, melancholy moodiness, are just some of the ordinary aspects of life that manifest themselves in us all at some time, hopefully briefly. However, when you see them repeatedly in your partner, please do something about it. Don’t, as I once did, think everything is ‘as right as rain’ and adjust your life to cope with those constant behavioural ‘oddities’.

The weather in Melbourne is somewhat unpredictable, so we have learned to adapt and cope with it. And our personal and our partner’s behaviour is normally and reasonably also foreseeable. But, if their daily lifetime reactions are erratic and often random, it’s time to check the ‘personal’ forecast! When indecision, or wrong-decisions, unusual reactions and memory distortions frequently dominate your partner’s behaviour it could be an alert or a pointer to a health problem, and a possibility of Alzheimer’s.

So, if you see those personal storm clouds gathering, if you sense a serious difference in your partner’s weather pattern, do something about it. At least talk to your doctor.

Don’t wait till it rains to buy an umbrella. And you’ll need more than an umbrella if a storm breaks….

Making a decision starts with assessing all the options then selecting an appropriate action. Sounds easy, eh? From the moment we open our eyes every morning we all make decisions: to get out of bed, plan our activities for the day – or maybe to just stay there a little longer…

But then, once up, our minds have already done a myriad of mind manoeuvres – and all without much conscious effort. We all drift through that raft of daily decisions about showering, choosing clothing, what to eat, and then mull over the day’s planned activities. Along that process we’ll also decide how to travel, who to see, what to buy, or when to do something – a string of choices we seem to make instinctively.

And that sequential thought process is much more complex than we realise. Our mind seems to move through our daily routine of activities automatically. Our brain has been pre-programmed by earlier life activities and seems to run on autopilot. My mind hardly registers that I’ve prepared my body, adorned it with clothes, and organised a plan for what comes next after breakfast, and all without much thought. It is clear to me now, how utterly different that was for my late wife.

• Alzheimer’s began its’ assault on Dorothy’s ability to run on autopilot; it removed her ability to select and choose her activities. Bit by bit, her lifetime of happy personal interactions and subconscious decision-making just continued to melt away. All that earlier life with its loving response mechanisms had slipped away. Her ability to make choices and decisions was almost entirely absent. A lifetime of learned and instinctive behaviour had slipped into a void where only a few remnants spasmodically survived.

As I awake each morning, I’m able to think and decide automatically, as most of us do, about when to get up and what will follow. Later in the day I am able to change my plans and to be flexible about timelines and activities. How good is that!

If you, dear reader, can also do much the same, then there’s a good chance, like me, you don’t have Alzheimer’s! I am still able to make choices, to pick and choose most of my life activities. Well, maybe I am a wee bit forgetful and, perhaps, sometimes, just make the occasional wrong choice, at the wrong time.…but don’t we all know that feeling?         Now, this is a good time to draw your attention to:

• Dementia Action Week
• is ending today, Sunday 21st September, 2025
• But… click on the site below to discover see how you can be involved
• from now on:  Dementia Action Week | Dementia Australia
• Bookmark that site for reference any time!

Coping is a commonly used word to describe how we are managing life’s problems. It implies that we are dealing with them but not necessarily enjoying the process!

Of course, it can also mean something else entirely, as I discovered when I googled my use of the word. I was intrigued to see how it’s often used in the world of architecture and can be defined as “the shape (of a structural member) to fit or conform with the shape of another member”. I thought how apt that definition was when I wanted to use it here in relation to caring for ‘another member’!

I’m sure many of my readers who care for a person with Alzheimer’s will know all about coping. Adapting our lives to care for someone else (as well as yourself) is no mean feat. It always requires the carer to cope with the needs and behaviour of two people.

Keeping a lifetime balance always requires the carer to be alert and aware of the needs of both, as well as finding effective ways to balance and maintain a satisfying relationship for both partners. Sometimes that will involve a conflict of desired outcomes, and it will be tricky to negotiate happily. It’s then that coping will often result: an encounter and an outcome that is not entirely satisfactory to one of the parties.

So, we need to do more than just cope. We need to learn how to gently lead, yet avoid coercion, and find the ways to enjoy activities that provide at least a degree of happy compliance. That requires us, as carers, to be always alert to opportunities for positive strategies; ones that encourage and reinforce a mutual satisfaction. Not always easy, and it sure takes some creative methodology!

It should be easier for long-time partners – after all, we know and understand our own and our partner’s life attitudes and our usual responses to any circumstance, don’t we?

Well, with Alzheimer’s, we often don’t! Past behaviour is frequently not a guide to current activity and reaction. That’s why, among other things, carers need some time out, some respite from the ever-present uncertainty of a partner’s behaviour. That’s why coping is not enough – OK, it will keep things afloat for a while, but we all need to do more than just coping.

If, as you have read this far and you recognise that you are just coping, it’s time to seek help. No excuses. Talk about your circumstances with someone, a family member, a friend, and your doctor.

Coping is good – but not good enough!

You may find some helpful internet links here:

Links to useful sites

The ability to remember is such a precious gift. Sadly, many people are not able to remember their life story. Not even what happened a few minutes ago; or where they are, or who they are with. We all have ‘lapses’ and when the lapse persists, it has a name, and it affects everyone who tries to connect with that person. Sometimes the condition is transitory or intermittently irregular. When that state exists it generally becomes known as Alzheimer’s disease.

Forgetfulness, however, is a common transitory condition, and we all experience it at various levels of intensity and recurrence. We move on, we forgive, we accept it, we have a high degree of tolerance when it is manifest in others, and we sympathise and recognise our shortcomings when we, ourselves, experience those occasional ‘blank’ moments.

When our partner is experiencing a perpetual state of vagueness we almost understand and recognise the problem, because in ourselves, we know it will pass. We are able to manoeuvre our minds to feel sad or happy or anywhere between. We can remember how we felt and, to a large extent, can reconstruct our feelings to decide whether to be miserable or ecstatic, or somewhere in the middle.

Overpowering tiredness, grief, worry, illness, and bodily comfort are just a few of the other human states that have profound effects on how we respond to our environment and in our relationships. That reaction is going to depend on where we are, who we are with, our different levels of health, how old we are, and the mood we are in! Yet, somehow, within those complexities, we are usually still able to decide how to react to any given circumstance.

Not so for those with Alzheimer’s as it progresses. During that process, the ability to recognise where they are, who they are with, and what is the ‘right’ response is frequently, and often totally, outside the realm of their decision-making ability. In my wife’s case, there were, occasionally, ‘flashes’ of recognition of past behaviour and relationships during some activities. The past, and now – puddled together in a perplexing present.

Add to the mix: tiredness, hunger, thirst, love, and fear, then roll them up together in this fragment of time and then, maybe, we can get the tiniest glimpse of the Alzheimer mind. It’s no wonder that a carer needs to be alert – and frequently forgiving – as they travel the fragile, fragmented, dementia road together.

So, there you have it, a brief review of the emotional range of stresses in everyday life for everyone involved in this journey. It’s good to stop every so often and remember the earlier good times and now to recall and cherish the flashes, not the lapses. They help us to recharge and renew our relationships, ever ready to find those elusive happy moments that are memorable……

Means keeping your eye on the ball, watching what you and others are doing. Being alert about the overview, the big picture. That’s oversight. It’s what we do when we are caring for a loved one whose unpredictable actions might cause harm to themselves or someone else. It’s what you do when you are a carer for a partner living with Alzheimer’s; when you need to be full-time-eyes-open for behaviour or actions that could hurt.

But there is another sort of oversight: the one that results when we fail to do something – or do it wrongly. That kind of oversight is usually forgivable: a lapse with little or no consequence. It can happen when we fail to notice something or some action. Most often we can shrug it off, no harm done.

But every now and then an oversight, despite our best intentions, can have unintended consequences, especially at a personal level. It can be embarrassing or may inadvertently disclose confidential information. It can be as simple as asking an inappropriate question or making an unguarded comment at the wrong time or, indeed, at any time. And I’m not immune to such indiscretions, despite my best efforts. Does that sound familiar? Am I alone?

Such an oversight (or really, lack of care) happened to me recently and caused me and an email recipient a high degree of embarrassment and stress. Using ‘Reply’ I included a lengthy epistle about my recent travels, then carelessly (for convenience!) added a raft of family names as cc’s to my reply. That would have been fine had I initiated the first email. But now the string of earlier, confidential, messages from the original writer was all still there. My lengthy text had simply pushed the original messages out of sight down the screen, for all to see!

A few seconds after I hit that ‘Send’ button there was no going back! I had, however unintentionally, exposed to others who had no right to know, the confidential information my friend had sent me. I was devastated. Too late. The damage done, and my immediate heartfelt apology has not healed that breach. My careless use of ‘cc’ now remains with me, and my remorse will continue.

I do hope my readers will learn from that experience and think carefully before sending inappropriate email copies of replies to others not included earlier!

Today’s lesson to self: When I write these epistles, I write once and read thrice before posting. But with personal emails from now onwards, I now do the same and only hit ‘Send’ after I check that the contents are appropriate to recipients!

I’ll try to keep an oversight and avoid oversights…..