The plaintive call from the children as we cruised up the highway enroute to visit Dorothy’s parents, or perhaps as we were on the way to my father’s house, both destinations in country Victoria. One journey of more than four hours, the other an hour or more travelling with two, and later five, children, all anxious to get through an interminable time of isolation and tedium. Does that sound familiar? Perhaps not being ensconced together with another six people in a confined space, and certainly some readers may even say, “lucky you, I’m on my own!”.

For my family, those journeys were not always boring; mostly they were but with an age span covering more than twelve years the children’s attitude and reaction to long journeys was varied and different over the years, as indeed ours was, too. So much was dependent upon ‘where we were at’ in our total life journey, about what we were each sacrificing, all for the common good of spending time with our extended family. A weekend away from work was for me a welcome break, and for Dorothy a change from caring for we six others to be in the bosom of her loving, caring, family. For the children well, that depended – their inability to not complete their school assignments (neglected all week, or more), to swim or play sports or hang out with friends or pursue their hobbies and interests (and there were many of all those) – the absence was sometimes not welcome, but always a delight on arrival.

Of course, those long trips didn’t happen all that often, maybe every three months, and when possible, during school term breaks. Most weekends were totally filled with a multitude of family and individual activities and chores! Not the least of which involved travelling, in various-sized family groupings, to sports and hobby pursuits, to church on Sunday morning, to parties (lots of kid’s birthday parties!), to walks, to pick-ups after sleep-overs at friends, and all the other myriad activities that ‘normal’ weekends demanded. Somehow, Dorothy was able to ensure we were well fed, clothed and clean! And often I was working long hours, sometimes even at weekends, and usually stressed at some level as I coped with the rigours of my work in employee relations and disputation at the workface of a large food company, an hour’s drive from home.

Well might we all ask, “Are we there yet?”, as each one of our family, and yours, move through our adult lives with all its attendant demands and isolations, especially now in these coronavirus times. The answer is easy. It’s love that keeps us going, because that what love is: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth”. Look it up, it’s in the bible: 1 Corinthians 13 1.

I have just finished reading an article by Dr Muriel Porter and I think every person who has a partner affected by Alzheimer’s will entirely ‘resonate’ with her beautifully expressed sentiments!

Her writing manages to encapsulate the incredibly deep feelings of loss in a way that is seldom expressed by other authors. Certainly, it beautifully describes the continuing emotions that many of us experience when we are separated from, or continue to live with, a partner affected by Alzheimer’s. She expresses so well the feelings we live with, day to day, day by day. I can do no better than suggest you read her her story; to read it is to understand, yet again, how this wretched disease affects every member of a family, but especially the partner, left at home, alone.

Here is the link, I recommend you go and read her story…….

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-08-29/aged-care-living-with-unmourned-grief/12570328

Having an up-to-date Will and knowing where it is, becomes critical when unexpectedly you are required to change any banking accounts and one partner is unable to sign. Once Dorothy was officially diagnosed with dementia she was not legally permitted to sign. Fortunately, like many couples, we always had ‘joint’ bank accounts from the time we married, with either party to sign for any transaction.

I thought that would cover any eventuality, and it nearly did. When Dorothy’s condition worsened and it required her to be placed in permanent care, a whole new financial world opened. First thing I needed to do was to open a new, separate, account for her. Secondly, I needed to change the signing authorities for it and amend our existing joint account, so that it only needed me to sign and for one of my family to be an alternate signatory. Then I needed to consolidate all our finances to pay the Refundable Accommodation Deposit (RAD) to her new Care home who were happy to loan me our shortfall of $200,000 at nearly 6% interest rate (and it remains so, despite bank interest rates being low now!). That interest is debited against the RAD paid, each month, and will continue until the accommodation is terminated.

Those financial processes were hampered by me having to find our original Wills. That should have been easy, I certainly had a ‘copy’ but that was not acceptable to the bank, or anyone else – only ‘original signed Wills’ or a certified copy are acceptable!

I soon discovered that the solicitor, who had retained the originals for safe-keeping five years ago, was now nowhere to be found! He had retired, his home/office was unoccupied and there was no record of his whereabouts. It took three calls to the Law Institute to discover his private phone number, as only he was permitted to divulge the name of the firm who had bought his law practice. It should be incumbent, indeed a mandatory law, for such a change to have been notified to all clients whose original documents were transferred. Eventually, the new custodian solicitors released and delivered the ‘Original’ Wills.

Then began the process of getting ‘certified’ copies. Our bank, BankFirst, were immensely helpful and were also able to certify an extra copy for me. So, there’s the lesson: make sure you have access to an ‘original’ Will, and/or a ‘certified copy’, at all times!

Financing this unexpected move really added to the emotional impact of separation from my loved wife of over 60 years. Selecting, then being involved with a care home, a financial advisor, a bank, a caring family, and Centrelink, all at the same time, was overwhelming. You will almost certainly need some help. Maybe now is the time for you to think this through…..

When it’s a dull and dreary day it’s so easy to feel that way. But…and there’s always a “but” in our lives, isn’t there? If I’m not careful it’s easy for me, anyway, to join that word up with a couple of others to begin a negative statement like “but, if only..”. If only I had done this or that, or not done this or that! And when it’s a miserable, grey day like today, it’s easy to feel the same way, particularly in this lockdown-life! Never mind, I am determined to find ways to convert those despondent thoughts into constructive solutions. Which reminds me of the phrase used during some memory tests where you must read and repeat later: “No more ifs and or buts” (or something like that!).

Those and similar words can be the genesis of indecision, of wavering, of doubting, and “but”. So, how do we handle those but times? Well, one of my techniques is to convert that questioning alternative and negative thinking into a positive substituted activity; sometimes that’s a mental process or sometimes, more often, a physical action. Sort of reverse psychology, so that I don’t keep reminiscing on our past life, valuable as that is on occasions. When I do find myself, all too often these days, re-visiting the past it usually gives rise to “if only I had…”, and that’s when it’s time to get out of that space and convert my ‘revision of the past’ into “being in the now”, to say to myself, “what can I do, now”.

But (that word again) being in the now isn’t always easy, it requires an effort which admittedly is not always present. What usually works for me is to take a long walk, weather permitting, or a bike ride, being active usually helps me to centre on the present; to smell the roses along the way, so to speak. When that’s not possible, like today, I escape into reading a book, or physically doing or making something, or writing or, perhaps after today, it will be more painting!

Painting? Yes, today I have unexpectedly painted a watercolour picture. Wow! That was fun and kept me engrossed for nearly three hours! Our daughter had all the needed materials sent to me, and she, her husband and three children all participated, remotely and separately at the same time, in an online time of artistry! (Free ad: look up “Cork & Chroma”). The class is conducted using “Zoom” on my iPad, with a direct two-way link to the teacher and a limited number of other students. Later, if I ever finish it, maybe I’ll try to work out how to show it to you on these pages. Since I am now equipped with a second canvas and all those paints and brushes, perhaps I will try it again.

Another trick I find useful when I’m feeling sad and miserable is to phone a friend; not to unload, but to stimulate the called person to tell me how they are. Naturally, in that process, they reciprocate and that forces me to disclose I’m a bit down, without going into long boring details. I find it enough to just have someone ask me, and to respond, briefly. I guess we all need to share just a little, every so often, but (there’s that ‘but’ again), no one wants to listen to a litany of hurts and worries!

How do we all get through our low spots? Not with ‘buts’ or with ‘if only’, nor with trying to predict next week or month or year. Perhaps you, like me most times, also find solace and meaning by mentally and positively moving through those down times by using the technique of learning to be in the ‘now’. I do pray, and then I thank God for ‘now’, because that’s the reality, and it can bring joy – the here and now.  Which reminds me to tell you about my favourite book on this topic, sometime soon. And I need to wash out those brushes, but……

How often have we spent more time than we should, just worrying about tomorrow or beyond, or even lain awake re-living past problems and untaken paths? I confess, yes, to all the above, and more! And it has only been in very recent times that I have been able to take hold of my destructive mindset and accept the concept of “what’s been has gone”.

That doesn’t mean I don’t value the past or never mentally revisit it, but I have just about accepted that my history is just that – it’s been, it’s gone; and that has freed me from the curse of constantly wanting to live in the past. Those of my readers who have lost a loved one will know how debilitating that is, and how morose one can become, even when desperately wanting to leave behind those past memories and feelings. Somehow, they steadfastly refuse to be pushed aside and always resurface, almost tormenting you to stay there and wallow in self-pity! Well, “woe is me” has gone, at least for the moment…..

Taking a more positive approach is so logical and, in the past, has always seemed the right approach; it’s the mindset I used for a good deal of my working life as an Industrial Relations practitioner. The trick is understanding the perspective of each side of the situation/dispute and then finding the common ground where both parties can ‘win’. Maybe it’s like that with my past and present; the sweet spot is right there in front of my nose! Even though my rational mind and my emotions still cloud the issue, I think I see the balance better these days and I am beginning to accept that the technique I used at work can also be applied now in my life: Identify and accept the problem, look for alternative solutions at the extremes then find the middle ground that satisfies everyone; in current terms that means putting my mind at rest.

But, as in an industrial dispute, the settlement process can also be painful in a personal conflict sense, where the emotional pain, the physical disruption, the lethargy, and even the imagined hurt, sometimes dominate and preclude an easy solution. And there is always the later possibility of a ‘trigger’ which can unexpectedly disrupt the peace and cause the original unrest to bubble up again. Despite all the real or imagined complexities along the way, the settlement once achieved should enable the protagonists to get on with doing what they are good at, using the result to produce goods and services on the one hand, and better work-life on the other.

By and large, although I am not exactly jubilant all the time, I am at that settled place of equilibrium most of the time. I’m nowhere near like the person I was even ten years ago, but my recent somewhat reluctant discussion with a psychologist and counsellor was in fact really useful; it enabled me to talk about where and how I am, mentally, at this more advanced age and ‘single’ state. In hindsight it reminded me of how I tackled work problems in the old days, and it helped me to see how that similar approach could be useful now.

‘Yesterday’ seems like a ‘hundred years’ of life; it was the time for building a career and a family based on love, it was sometimes hard work, and complex, sometimes fun. But nothing lasts forever and, although we are allowed to reminisce, hey, it’s gone! I don’t need to dwell in the past, and I know tomorrow will have its own problems, but today, well, that mine!

Gone are the days when Dorothy and I would plan ahead, together, for our next shared adventure, be it home and family related or, in later years, a wider travel experience. Gone, too, are the times when we could share remembrances of those times – all those shared years, together.

But that doesn’t preclude my solitary recall of them, nor does it diminish their importance, it simply means I can’t re-share them with Dorothy even though she’s still with me, but apart. And they are no less real, and I can still recall and savour those times. Dorothy’s ability to reminisce slid away some years ago and those memories totally elude her; nevertheless, those earlier shared experiences most certainly have shaped us, in our behaviour and attitude to others, even in our now different lives.

As we move on in our lives, all of us do so in our own personal way, and with every breath we are the masters of our thoughts, our actions, and reactions. What we do and say, is who we are, and affects everyone we touch – it’s what makes us unique and, to varying degrees, precious to each other. The way I personally respond to the swings and roundabouts of life now is conditioned by all of my earlier experiences, not only with Dorothy, but with each and all of our family and friends, those we worked with and, in our case, prayed with. Our journey just like everyone else’s was, with all its ups and downs, often burdened with emotional baggage; the baggage of past mistakes, of wrong decisions, of attitudes, or behaviours, or of things done or not done, and some of it difficult to forget, even if we’d rather!

Dorothy is no longer encumbered by that sometimes-superfluous load, she is free to know and feel only the present, and to savour each moment just as it is, right now. Her Alzheimer’s condition highlights the importance of the ‘now’ when she and I are briefly together these days, and that helps me to accept how precious those encounters should be. The joy of the moment implies that every visit is a time of mutual happiness when clearly that cannot always be so when verbal conversation is not possible. I do know that there are times when we each feel a special bond, an undefinable presence of minds, felt and unsaid, which often lingers after I leave and leaves me unsettled, and Dorothy seemingly untroubled.  

To help retain my sanity I have learnt to take some time out, to stop and grab hold of my swirling mind, to reflect quietly and to pray. That absolutely essential and positive activity continues to be precious for me; it’s a place where I can find solace and strength to face the next moments and the next day, even though I cannot know what that might bring. I am grateful to have my Christian belief of a caring God; insecure, imperfect, and uncertain as it may be, my faith gives me purpose and meaning and the strength to keep loving. It also helps me to recognise that my experience of personal adversity is as nothing compared to the afflictions and deep hurts of so many others, now exacerbated by the current awful consequences of the coronavirus. Does my belief help me, and Dorothy? Yes, it does, even when sometimes I think, like so many others before me, “Why do bad things happen to good people?”. The enigma of humankind!

I reckon that’s answered in part by recognising that belief engenders grace, and grace empowers many people to respond with intervention and care, sometimes called service, but it’s really love and, with God’s grace, that’s what enables me to stay travelling on this journey, no matter how rugged at times.

I am quite happy to wear a face mask, my problem is taking it off!

Like many others, I wear two clever little hearing-aids, especially when I venture out, which is precisely the time to wear a facemask. Problem occurs when removing the face mask when the elastic so easily catches the hearing-aid and flicks it out, sometimes (believe it or not) without me realising. It could easily happen when for some reason there is a need to temporarily remove the mask, perhaps to eat something or just scratch my nose. Ping – where did it go? Worse still, to not even notice it’s gone until later!

I have devised a little clip to hold the elastics together at the nape of my neck – and it works, thus avoiding the use of the ears for the purpose (no patent pending, yet!). However, the safer alternative is to not use my hearing aids when I go out, and that’s OK for me, as my hearing is not too bad.

Not being allowed to visit our loved ones during this lockdown period is the big problem, and for all my readers who have a partner in care, it’s tough. There are some circumstances when a visit may be possible, but I am resolved, albeit reluctantly, to keep away at present, principally as a mark of respect for the management and staff at the care home. The dedicated and awesome staff are additionally stressed now with inevitable current staff shortages due to illness. That results in management and all the helpers having to cope with their normal routines as well as having to devise activities for the able-bodied and the Alzheimer’s residents, all of whom are feeling the isolation and disruption to the normal visitor patterns.

There are strict protocols in place where Dorothy is, for both staff and for visitors when applicable and permissible. Staff and visitors must have their temperature taken and recorded, must answer the questions about our health and exposure then sign-in, and visitors must leave within the prescribed time limit. Of course, the staff also go through the same screening, and we must all wear the inevitable masks.

Recently, I became quite distressed because the care home phone was always busy, and I couldn’t make contact to enquire about my dear Dorothy’s state of health. But now, after discussing the problem with the staff, and in hindsight, I totally understand why the phone runs hot! I have complete trust in the management and nursing staff, I know they will and do contact me should the need arise. I hasten to add that Dorothy’s dementia is such that she cannot have a discussion with me on the phone – it’s not even possible to have a meaningful two-way talk in person.

In addition to the two dozen or so folk in the two dementia wings, there must be well over a hundred other residents in the general accommodation areas and they also need extra attention at this time, and no doubt their families are also constantly phoning-in to check their loved one’s health status, and/or where possible wanting to talk with them on the phone. It must be a difficult and fraught time for everyone involved and we all need to remember and understand that, and be patient, courteous and thankful, and consider all the prevailing conditions.

The news is full of reports involving coronavirus, and especially the plight of many nursing home residents, the attending staff, and the relatives’ anguish, so it’s no wonder the staff at all these places are so stressed. Their jobs, especially in dementia nursing, are difficult at the best of times. At this time there are also staff shortages and skill deficiencies in some places, and this pandemic has helped to highlight the whole range of those inadequacies. We need our appropriate governments to focus on those aspects, to learn from them and make some the much-needed reforms for now and the future.

But right now, here’s ‘big hand claps’ and thanks for the staff at Blue Cross Box Hill! And all the other wonderful workers and volunteers out there in the community who are making a difference. I am so relieved to know my girl is getting the best possible attention, despite so many factors impinging on the care home, and in the community.

The mask is the least we can do and, for some us oldies, the only contribution we can make! ‘Ear, here’ to that; our ears are there for more than one thing!

It’s a tough time for most folk right now, especially for those like me, who live alone and have a partner who can’t be visited because of the lockdowns at all Aged Care facilities. Being ‘stuck at home’ can also have its upside, too, if we are well enough to use the time to keep fit. Today, despite it being so very cold, I donned my facemask (kept my nose warm!) and had a long walk in the sunshine. I am so lucky to have comparatively good health and I know my wife Dorothy is in good hands; it is somewhat ironic that she doesn’t seem to miss my visits, but I do miss seeing her. By keeping away more often at this time, I am trying to minimise the stress on the staff and the management of her care home. I am so proud of the work they do at her home and I think it’s right to do what we can to help them retain their health and good spirits in their constant and challenging work. Coronavirus times in those locked-down facilities is no ‘walk in the park’!   

For us at home, finding productive, healthy things to do within or near these four walls will continue to be an ongoing chore. I’m aiming, like many others I guess, to rediscover lots of unfinished jobs around the house and things that need sorting, culling and tidying – yes, there’s plenty to do, it just isn’t always easy to get motivated!

The cold nights are a good excuse to go to bed a bit earlier, too, but then (I confess) I find it hard to crawl out in the mornings! We have had lots of sunny days and, when the weather permits, I like to go on walks which are now restricted to my nearby tracks around the neighbourhood. I am lucky that there is access to walking trails just outside the gate where I live and on three or four days a week I try to notch up at least three kilometres each time, as I did today and also a few days ago on my eighty seventh birthday, so I reckon that’s not too bad! To mark that day, our daughter, who lives nearby, arrived with her husband and children and we had a carefully-distanced and very brief (it was cold!) outdoor ‘party’ to celebrate (love the socks – just what I needed!). Sometimes our daughter and her two school-age daughters ride their bikes over to here, about three hilly kilometres, to bring me a little cake or treat they have baked. How good is that!

Most of us retired people are fortunate to live in an era when we have computers, clever phones, TV and radio to help us know what’s happening in the world. At our age and with time to spare, we can literally explore the universe, watch some incredible documentaries and movies, listen to great music and be entertained, all in the comfort of our lounge room at night. For more brain food, I also love doing crossword puzzles, and even started to write some notes about my life journey – a little side-project to tackle and add to, every so often. And, of course, writing this blog helps to keep my old mind busy, too.

I am otherwise inclined to become lazy, introverted, and melancholy and that is not where blokes like me need to be! This enforced separation from Dorothy should have its ‘upside’ and am trying to use the time to develop activities which will keep me productively occupied. It would be easy to sit around just reading books, watching TV, or haphazardly surfing the web, but that’s not me – so I have made a rule to walk each day and to make or do something, even if it is only completing a word puzzle! Strangely, I just can’t get motivated to become proficient as a cook, but maybe I’ll experiment, just a bit….. It always seems I never have the right ingredient at the right time, and if do stock up on something for a recipe the rest of it doesn’t get used and becomes yet another packet or can ageing in the pantry. Cooking for one is no fun, so basically, I don’t!

I’ve done the crosswords, and my laundry; I’ve also had good walk. Now it’s time to get busy – choosing which prepacked frozen meal to open for dinner tonight…..

Focus is such a small word, but it encapsulates a huge concept. No photograph would be meaningful, bar in the abstract, nor would anyone’s life be meaningful without applying it to some degree. I would add, again in the photographic analogy, that our minds are not unlike a camera and that expressions like depth of field, blurring at the edges, over-exposed and many others like that, can have real-life counterparts.

I am, of late, conscious of the contrast (!) of my current lifestyle to that which existed, just a few short twenty years ago, when my wife Dorothy and I shared our lives intimately, all day, every day, so happily and with such love. See how easy it is to reminisce when you live alone and constantly recall the ‘old days’? Fortunately, in my case I have nothing but happy memories of our lives, well lived, together for so long, as we developed a caring family whilst earning and learning, loving and living, and scraping and saving. Those basic life activities and priorities changed and morphed over time, and the memories of each chapter (exposure!) are etched forever in my mind, for easy recall. But not in Dorothy’s.

That’s the cause of my melancholy. And I am reminded of it every time I am with her and yet, now, I will have to learn and re-learn to overcome the feelings of loss and sadness. Time for that after her death, I guess, if that should happen before me. But now is not the time for constant re-living the past or grieving; now is the time for me, like thousands of other men facing this kind of separation by dementia and other afflictions, to be strong (or at least not weak!) and rejoice in our ability to think positively about ourselves and what we can do to add happiness, and not despair, to those around us. I never stop thanking God for my blessings – sufficient means to live comfortably, a fine, loving family and friends and neighbours who are priceless!

So, I am learning, albeit slowly at times, to accept whatever complexity of isolation is wrought upon us all by separation, even this Coronavirus thing. That kind of loneliness is not a big problem for me but I know it will be hard for some, and even harder for couples, and beyond harder for some families with children of all ages, stuck at home 24/7! We who live alone, should find it easier. Especially these days with modern electronic communication and TV available to most folk, even the elderly like me! I do feel sympathy for those elderfolk who are not computer literate, and it always brings me joy (and sometimes welcome funds) when any of my cohort ask me for computer help!

This ‘ageing in place’ and alone, should be set to improve as we learn to grow with it and not try to change that which cannot be changed. I am determined to overcome those devastating and negative thoughts and feelings of depression. I know I should aim to strive for the fuller life that I know Dorothy would wish for me, but….I always have a feeling, sometimes overwhelming, of guilt. Is it right for me to be happy when Dorothy is not? It’s at that time I need to remind myself that she is wonderfully cared for and respected in a clean modern, well-staffed local care home and is ‘happy in the moment’; and that’s not a bad place to be.

So, maybe, that’s the prescribed camera lifestyle for me: it’s OK to focus on the scene ahead, but use a wide-angle lens! And keep out of the Darkroom, we don’t need them any longer!